Hard times, new beginnings...

Hello everybody :)

I haven't written in a long while, but I think it's time to start this up again.
I experienced a painful separation with a very close long-time partner a week and a half ago, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with myself or my pain right now.

It hurts incredibly deep knowing I failed someone I love with all my heart.

My partner and I recently started doing couples counseling together a couple times a month, and after only a few sessions, serious issues surfaced and began to really hit the fan unavoidably. Things he had been stating and re-stating for a long time and that I had ignored over and over again. I see it so clearly now that I've been held responsible for my inappropriate actions, and lack of respecting boundaries.

I made a very poor decision, I over-reacted, I walked away from him when he needed me the most, and I drove him away one time too many that night.
Within an evening my world changed when he told me he couldn't take anymore, and didn't feel he could trust me anymore. He needed it to be over.

This has been one of the hardest, longest weeks of my life. It's hard to come to terms with reality. It's hard to let go. It's hard to live with regret. It's hard to look him in the eyes and apologize for something I caused that hurt him for so so very long.

In the meantime I've been working alongside a newly found personal counselor at Seattle Counseling Service for self-improvement since Mid-January, just weeks before this incident. I've known I need a lot of work to change. I'm finally starting down that pathway again.

I also continue with my second quarter back full-time taking classes at Seattle Central Community College.
It's been a blessing to have a partner so helpful and supportive in every way imaginable during my transition out of the work force and into school.

It's been especially rough this last week without being able to cuddle him when I feel insecure and hurt at night. I miss being in his arms. I miss him being my Top.
I know It's my fault this came to pass. :(

Right now I feel very stuck, lost, and even amongst close friends; very alone.
I feel ashamed that I've caused him pain, yet I want so much to have a second chance. I love him beyond words. His smile, his brain, his heart, his humor, his hugs, his lap, his drive, his friendship, his eyes, his love of cute kittens. They're all so incredibly meaningful and appreciated. I'm so very lucky to have had him in my life the last 3 and a half years. He's always been there for me no matter what. He means the world. I wish I could find out how to make up for this deficit of mine. I wish I could treat him fairly and with the same amount of appreciation and self-sacrifice.
I hope one day I might earn the opportunity again to try.

One of the better ideas I've embraced (in addition to professional help and talking amongst my small network of very understanding and supportive friends) is to write about my thoughts here to get them out into the open; both for my own personal clarity, and also for those of you I'm often neglecting and unable to effectively connect with during my selfish days, and this very difficult time in my life.

I've gotten rather self-involved in my pain, and I think that's partially good in terms of reflection, but otherwise it's very unhelpful to those close to me who deserve my friendship and non-judgmental caring and companionship.

Beyond my self-involvement, I'm coming to realize more and more (despite a long held and clearly stated partners boundaries) that this isolationism has also played into a deeply rooted codependent relationship that I've foolishly and selfishly shaped into an unhealthy and often manipulative crutch for me often more than for "we".
I use this crutch to often put my own needs before others, particularly my partners.
I've turned away from him when he needed me, and I feel awful about it. I honestly didn't set out to do any of what I did. I'm not sure where I lost control.

Upon reflection of my actions over the last year or so I've come to the conclusion that I've essentially driven one of my most loved and cherished friends, partners, and lovers to the breaking point.

I can't think for one second how I could have been so foolish, ungrateful, and petty. I don't know why I evaded almost every piece of feedback and all the clearly-stated requests. I'd like to think I'm a better person than I have been. I haven't been at my best, and I feel rotten.

I'm sitting here thinking "I know that I can and will get better. I can get better for me, and for my friends, and for my partners sake."
This is my goal. I know I can do it.. It's just going to be a very bumpy and sobering trip to the finish line.

I've done some awful things lately; including me abandoning close friends of many years, walking out unreasonably on loved ones, and betraying the trust of those most important to me.

Quite frankly, this behavior of mine makes me sick to my stomach.
I've never set out to hurt anyone, and yet, I've successfully hurt many of those closest and most dear to me.
I've experienced some awfully painful consequences because of my actions.

I feel as if I'm living life with my eyes shut tight. I want to change. I need to. I want to be better. I have to be.
I plan to open my eyes fully, and love and respect and show concern for those I care most about.
I want to be a happy healthy person to be around and I want to treat others in a happy and healthy way as well. Always. No if's and's, or but's included.
I have legitimate weaknesses, but I need to own them and take charge. No one else can start this healing process but me.

I want to get to the bottom of things and find out why I'm treating others disrespectfully. I need to treat this sickness. I want to be a good person.

I want to explain with certainty why these shortcomings occur in me, and how to replace them with healthy alternatives.
I hope to eventually find answers to these deeper questions, and pave a path through regret to a brighter tomorrow with friends and loved ones alongside me, working as a team.

Sometimes we just don't know how to deal. We hurt others. I've hurt others. I own every part of the blame.
We push people away. I've pushed people away.
We learn from others. I've learned from others; while often taking in meaningful habits, but also some very shitty and backward skills that halt communication.

As far as my personal history goes, I've learned to endure and reflect back emotional pain and betrayal from a very young age within my own family unit.

From a very young age my father (a alcoholic and pedophile) taught me to be afraid. He taught me to cope alone. He taught me to hurt others. He taught me to not trust. He taught me to hate myself. He taught me to lie. He taught me how to manipulate. He taught me how to be selfish. He taught me how to abuse. He taught me to give up, and he taught me to put others needs below my own.

My challenge now is to not repeat this hideous cycle. I see these traits reflecting in myself and I know I need to change the hurt and the pain I feel into empathy and understanding. I can't keep the hurt going. I can't always make it about me. I need to change it. I need to own it. I need to be better and healthier.

I propose a system of goals.
This is my first goal.

#1. To try to be less hypercritical:

A few days ago (while staying at a good friends house), I decided to heat up some delicious leftover pasta salad she had made for me. My host handed me a clear microwave safe lid saying "here's a cover for your food."
Instead of thankfully saying "thanks!" For her suggested offer and wish for me to help effectively maintain her personal space (in this case, a well-cared for microwave) I blurted out, as if I (her overnight guest) was a more important decision-maker inside her own home; that "I don't need it because I'm only going to microwave for a mere minute."

I recognized within seconds of saying this back to her, that for no reason other than being oppositional, I chose to ignore and defy her personal wishes in her own space (her own home) and risked alienating our trust and established boundaries in future situations there.

This isn't okay.

In fact, what I did was rather pathetic considering I drew a line in respecting her wishes and boundaries over a fucking microwavable plate cover.
That's just downright foolish of someone to even fathom doing; yet I've developed a knack for abusing power like this no matter how petty or small, pretty much everywhere I go. I'm not at all proud of it.

Why did I say it?
Probably because I use stupid situations to exert power over others; trying to make up for my lack of self love. *sigh*
I think I have issues with self esteem.

Why do I attempt to use petty power struggles over others?
I'm probably lacking in self-worth.

My behavior is not helping, and never will help me become closer to others.
Being selfish is blocking me from growing.
Being hypercritical is dysfunctional and not in any way proactive.

I propose a change.
I want to work on this problem personally from within, and I also ask any readers to also call me out on it when apparent.

I will heal. One day at a time.
I love you all so much.

Thanks for reading. *Hugs* <3

What am I looking for?

This is a screenshot of my last okcupid message written a moment ago. I liked my description today. The correspondent asked me to describe what I was seeking on the site. My answer as always? Friendship. <3

Hello old Friend, Long time no see :)

Its been nearly a year now since I logged in and wrote to you here. It's good to be back, while with my return comes a major life shift.

Its odd how it always seems the pain is more likely to push me here than the good :) But, then again, If things are going relatively well, I guess I write my story out through positive social interaction, and the energy we exert in loving relationships. (A once-thriving threesome situation to be more accurate!!)

*sigh* Which leads me to this: I'm feeling quite confused and lonely lately.

I should note, that while I don't plan to take any past posts down from this site, I should (for other parties sake) make note that I'm no longer with my wonderful pink-haired vixen who I've come to love and adore for so long now.

She left me around a month and a half ago... literally telling me she was "Opting Out" of this relationship dynamic... from the three of us together in a triad situation.

My heart sunk that evening. Hearing those words. She had seemed dreadfully distant these last few weeks, but this? It was very unexpected.

I had to retreat to the bathroom then. My emotions were bubbling up inside me, but I was afraid to show them to her at this point. As dead as the world seemed to me those 45 mins shut into that little tomb... I couldn't help but remember the vibrant bathroom full of memories that I had come to associate.. complete with cute little butt slaps, and group showers, and carefree conversations. So many happy days.

Within a matter of minutes this colorful little room turned into an encapsulating funeral of sorts. I couldn't help but look around at all the adorable decor.. all the cute little odds and ends that I had come to smile at spontaneously over the last 2 years.. now slowly fading their magnificent colors to gray.

All lost. Never again. I couldn't help but repeat those words in my mind over and over again. Never again a random back-hug while we put our makeup on together, never again helping one another dress-up for the clubs, and never again a lighthearted shower conversation after we playfully romp around in the summer heat.

I couldn't make the tears stop.. they just kept flowing that evening... this emotion I rarely see. It poured like rain. All I could think to do was awkwardly pull my assigned bright orange toothbrush from it's little holder.. a nesting spot where it had called home aside theirs the last year, and I clutched it to my chest and shoved it down into my pocket. I was out. That stupid little toothbrush symbolizing much more than I wanted to grasp at the time.. an up-rooting.. what felt like the end.

He was there eventually. Consoling me. Telling me it was going to be okay. He wrote "I love you" on my hand when he came in to comfort me. It meant the world at that point. He still cared for me. He helped wipe away my tears. I eventually worked up the courage to walk outside into the living room, give her a hug, and leave that once-wonderful playground of an apartment and our joyous triad dream behind me.

This "Opting out" decision of hers hit me quite hard. She displayed the name of a new linked female partner of hers about 2 days later on a social-networking site.
My chest ached immeasurably seeing my name disappear.
It was a harsh reality seeing my name replaced with another so soon. There it was. Like I had never been there. I know my hurt around this change is completely irrational and unfair. Just because I can't move on as fast doesn't mean others aren't allowed to. But, all the same.. there it was. Official to the world... not just in my heart.

Fast forward about a month and a half.. and I'm much better now. I try not to be bitter.. or hurt, or angry. I know people change. I know life constantly morphs, and relationships with it. Letting go of my sweet wonderful girl emotionally has proved a really difficult task for me, but I can't forget for one second everything amazing about what we had together... it always makes me smile.

Far too many wonderful memories to be bitter about. She was a huge part of my blossoming social world since the spring of 08'... my new best friend, my cuddles, my lust and intense intimacy, and a good amount of my confidence the last 2 years of my existence. God, how I loved her. I'm so thankful to have shared what I did with such a wonderful person. As much as it hurts saying goodbye to it so abruptly.

With her, I truly started into the kink community in real life as we discovered the CSPC together outside the web, and I discovered countless new acquaintances through her friends, and all the time we spent together out meeting others. That meant the world to my shy reclusive ass. She helped open me up to an endless list of amazing opportunities.

There were so many countless casual nights spent lounging on that big old blue couch.. the three of us together.. just enjoying everyones company while doing our own thing. Being friends. Having that wonderful care-free companionship. Those are my fondest memories beside her. That and all those silly boardgames. :) Thinking about us shitting around casually.. doing the little things together, is the hardest kind of memory to part with.

While I'm still experiencing a great deal of emotion behind losing her, I know it will eventually take root into new opportunity and fade into time. But shit... it certainly is easier said than done. I guess I didn't quite realize just how much I had emotionally invested in her time, her trust, and her love and acceptance until one day it just seemed to "poof" out of existence.. and I suddenly found myself losing everything I love about her. Its true what they say.. that you never realize the magnitude of what you hold dear until it falls away.

I could write about her forever. The way the sunlight hit her beautiful eyes in the afternoon, her comforting smile, her soft touch, her beautiful heart. Our wonderful conversations we'd have late at night as we dozed off.. legs entwined together in bed. I loved every waking moment of our time together.. and while I'm accepting of her choice to move on, I'll always love her.

As my heart slowly mends itself, I know I'll pick my life back up.. and eventually find more amazing people to share my journey with. It's a long hard road, and if I ever find someone even half as amazing as her, it will be damn well worth every step.

Meanwhile, the other 3rd of our "ex-triad" (whom I now casually refer to as my boyfriend) still spends time with me off and on... we maintain a casual friendship... spending time with one-another about every week or so. He's been a wonderful friend, and an ear to my heart, and I love and appreciate him for putting up with my very somber self these past weeks.

I do hate that I'm so dramatic at times.. and I apologize.. especially now. Lately I've been nothing but one huge roller-coaster of emotional up and down and around and around again. (I luckily have my friends to thank for listening to all my venting and bitching and mindless babble through all hours of the day and night)<3

Again though, things are looking up, and I'm starting to see more light on the horizon... as some new friendships have come to blossom in my life recently. I'm excited for whats around the corner. The possibilities seem endless. I'll try my best to keep my heart open.

I care for you all so much. Everyone. I'm so blessed to have good friends around me who continually put up with my random BS, who lend an ear to my rants and raves, who always encourage me to do the right thing, and stick by me in the sticky spots. You make up my universe. You make me. I love you all forever. <3 More in time..

An update on my October and NYC trip!

So, okay... yeah. Its been a fucking long time again. Oh well. Lots has happened, and I want to tell you all everything! :)
To start, I feel like I'm on much better terms with the only 2 women I really know here in Seattle. Ive blogged here in the past about one such gal and guy that basically included a LOT of drama and confusion. We've started talking a little more now. She joined one of the kink sites I'm on, and behold.. we started getting to know each other a little bit better there! :) Yay! I like me some kinky girl. Shes honestly so awesome and super smart and sexy and yeah.. a pain slut. I got a chance to spank her some a few weeks ago after getting back from my NYC trip. Mmm. I liked pulling her hair while fingering her little cunt. We had a very long awaited threesome together with her ex. *blissful sigh* .. I honestly just can't explain to you the amazing calm I get after being with a couple I like. I feel so complete afterward... its an amazing feeling. We all snuggled in bed afterward, and I got to nuzzle soft sweet girl neck all morning. Fucking glorious. They had me in the middle.. I was soo spoiled :p Anyways.. awesome... that shit will cheer me up for about a month!
As far as the other chicka.. well, she was the first I met when I moved over here.. and probably more kinky than I... unfortunately shes not into the girls a huge amount.. other than occasionally topping them.. (she had played with Jen when she first came over to visit) ..so anywho, initially it was more of me and them having a good time out together and her seeing others while letting me play with the hubby. That had ceased a while back and recently started again :) They are both Mercury club goers as well.. so I can't be more happy about that! (more people to dance with and get drunk with! ..its good foreplay) .. but yeah.. we are talking more now than we were and I'm again very happy :) I was kinda lost there for a while... it seemed I was kinda breaking up/causing trouble for couples left and right for a time... and, well.. I was starting to think maybe it was hopeless to try and do this whole poly/open bit.. but thank goodness its coming back together. I like everyone getting along! WEE!:D

Anywho, enough sappy shit. I also met a very nice gentleman on Gothic Personals recently who has been escorting me around to some very nice restaurants and clubs. I like that he is such a gentleman... and into wine...very smart too.. we danced together on the street after breakfast one day.. hes adorable :)
The one other fellow I met up with recently is a complete pervert.. lol.. and if he reads this blog... well, he will agree with me.. because he is.. a very cute and pervy fellow.. Ive been talking to him on yahoo since I lived in Spokane!! He just moved here so we finally met up. (hes into special education so he struck a good cord with me on first date.. still too new to say much) ;)

Onto other nifty things! I was in NYC for 7 days! WOO! I had a blast :) Got to meet Aarons possibly new roommate in the future Rebecca, and Seths new sexy as hell boy toy Matt. We did all sorts together... went to the Museum of Modern Art and saw awesome famousness, The NYC main Library branch, The American Museum of Natural History.. was HUGE, The NY Institute of Fashion and Technology and their "Gothic fashion" exhibit was fun, St Marks Place for alternative thrifting, times square for "Religulous," lots of fun boating in central park, lots of new yummy eats all over town including delish indian food for my birthday, Blood Manor (rated one of the best haunted houses in the US..was awesome!), the Staten Island ferry, and a few good drunk trips to the bar!! The boys were sober this time through though, so they were well behaved ;) I have a complete set of photos in an album on my myspace page.. so go look! (www.myspace.com/julietiger) We had fun!

Hmmm.. as for other things... unfortunately I am home sick right now with a cold. Its giving me plenty of time to catch up on online nerdery. Ive been chatting a bunch with Jen lately.. shes having the ride of her life right now with her top. They just sound so amazing together. Wow shes a lucky girl.. I am sooo Jealous :) You can find a linkie to her blog somewhere on my page I tink. Shes a Spanko! Love you sexy pants! <3 :D

I went out with the said couple on Halloween night too.. lots of drinking and naked lady watching ensued. We went to see a Seattle based circus group that does all sorts of crazy scantly-clad fire breathing, burlesque, and tricks with swords.. twas a good time. :) We were all dressed very cute!

Hmm... anything else to report... oh! The sweetheart of a tickler dude I met from the TMF for tickles once wants to totally do it again!! Only I think maybe this time we will try at my place b/c I have the handy restraints on the bed ;) ... lol.. instead of using his rock climbing gear like last time.. god was he a good cuddler!! I'm looking forward to seeing him again. Being held tight in someones arms while falling asleep is 2nd to none. Plus, he offered to cook me soup. Who fucking does that? SWEET! <3

Love you all :) <3

-Julie

August lush...

Bless me Blogger, for I have sinned. Its been over a month since my last confession.
I'm a bit torn at the moment. Ive been having a hard time figuring life out lately. The issue I'm talking about involves a boy. The one I was referring to earlier in my posts. I think that I like him a lot, but that he doesn't like me back in exactly the same way. I wish I could say he doesn't know whats good for him.. but only he knows that of course.
I know I need to be okay with this because he loves someone else. He never stopped loving her. They are sweet together aside losing the title they shared. I feel like I don't really have the right to feel this way... and well, hey.. I feel like a drama queen for wallowing in the thought so much anyways. *sigh*
I used to always say.. and still say to others.. that labeling isn't important... that "it is what it is," right? I'm sure this is true, and I will continue to give people this advice... but... Hmm.. sometimes I guess a girl just wants some.. err.. assurance? Well, at this point I don't think I'll be getting much more. I need to get back into my old groove to stop all these whirling fantasies. Im wondering if i just need to move on.
I was looking online for new friends for the longest time.. pretty much since I was 18 Ive been on the dating scene.. getting casual dates.. keeping up with email exchanges to new, interesting and mysterious people. Never looking for anything very serious.. but always sort of looking with that as an underlying goal perhaps?
That all has pretty much ceased since March when this all happened. Ive not had any new dates since then.
I met a cool couple in March... big deal right? I meet couples all the time.. I guess these people just hit home a bit more for me than others usually do. These people seemed real.. I could relate to them.. I enjoyed their company, got too close too soon, and heck... shit hit the fan. I don't even know what to say about the whole thing. I feel like I'm standing here starring blindly like a deer caught in headlights. No one did anything wrong really. We developed feelings... its only natural? Its been a little weirder lately though. I feel like a coward for not chatting with her much anymore, and instead always hanging out with him. Maybe she wants it this way? I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by being so open with him about my feelings. Shit. He said it first... I'm being a girl!! He was at one point open with me until I asked him to stop it. I talked with him one day and asked him to stop saying sweet things to me.... because.. well, I felt like it was sort-of giving me false hope, you know? I mean.. unless I just don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, I'm pretty sure I love the guy. As crazy as that sounds... coming from a girl that doesn't get into serious relationships very often... and who doesn't throw the "L" word around anyone usually aside her best friends and her sweet sweet sister. It hurt when he said it near the end. I know he loves her with all his heart... but, he said he liked me too.. hmm.. but shes not interested in me... but I know he deep down wants to have a relationship with her much more than me (at least it seems):) .. hmm, I guess its much easier handling a friendship. We have still continued to be intimate together, and we talk/text once or twice a day.
We talked recently about the way I feel. Last Monday we chatted outside the bar we ate at... about how I like him, and that i guess it hurts somewhat.. knowing he loves her and wants to be with her. I am fucking awful for saying that... I know. I should be happy for him, and I am.... they are great together.. but, well... jealousy rears its ugly head.. it does hurt not seeing him every day, and it hurts not getting cuddled as much as I was.
*sigh* I need to get over him some. I need some strong fun person to just whisk me off my feet here now, and start up my dating like I was before. Let their relationship be... let it heal. I need to be okay with just being friends!! :) I'm supposed to be good at this dammit!! I know I can be.. I'm just giving it time. I need to go on some dates... and I know it will get easier.
<3 Its true what they say... about opening your heart... you risk a lot when you do!! I am seeing now how 'waiting until the time is right' will save you a lot of grief down the road.
So yeah!!! Sorry about the drama all! ... I promise I am still my same kinky dirty self... hell, I just explored the artsy kink of sploshing yesterday!! Holy jesus that was insane. My bois made the experience happen. I shall post a picture or 3 when I get them!! <3
As far as positive news stories go, my Aerogarden is now fairly mature and yielding some yummy sweet smelling vegetation! My apartment always smells like basil. I'm cooking with my herbs weekly now!! Weee 4 health! *hugs her herbies*
Love you all.