Hard times, new beginnings...

Hello everybody :)

I haven't written in a long while, but I think it's time to start this up again.
I experienced a painful separation with a very close long-time partner a week and a half ago, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with myself or my pain right now.

It hurts incredibly deep knowing I failed someone I love with all my heart.

My partner and I recently started doing couples counseling together a couple times a month, and after only a few sessions, serious issues surfaced and began to really hit the fan unavoidably. Things he had been stating and re-stating for a long time and that I had ignored over and over again. I see it so clearly now that I've been held responsible for my inappropriate actions, and lack of respecting boundaries.

I made a very poor decision, I over-reacted, I walked away from him when he needed me the most, and I drove him away one time too many that night.
Within an evening my world changed when he told me he couldn't take anymore, and didn't feel he could trust me anymore. He needed it to be over.

This has been one of the hardest, longest weeks of my life. It's hard to come to terms with reality. It's hard to let go. It's hard to live with regret. It's hard to look him in the eyes and apologize for something I caused that hurt him for so so very long.

In the meantime I've been working alongside a newly found personal counselor at Seattle Counseling Service for self-improvement since Mid-January, just weeks before this incident. I've known I need a lot of work to change. I'm finally starting down that pathway again.

I also continue with my second quarter back full-time taking classes at Seattle Central Community College.
It's been a blessing to have a partner so helpful and supportive in every way imaginable during my transition out of the work force and into school.

It's been especially rough this last week without being able to cuddle him when I feel insecure and hurt at night. I miss being in his arms. I miss him being my Top.
I know It's my fault this came to pass. :(

Right now I feel very stuck, lost, and even amongst close friends; very alone.
I feel ashamed that I've caused him pain, yet I want so much to have a second chance. I love him beyond words. His smile, his brain, his heart, his humor, his hugs, his lap, his drive, his friendship, his eyes, his love of cute kittens. They're all so incredibly meaningful and appreciated. I'm so very lucky to have had him in my life the last 3 and a half years. He's always been there for me no matter what. He means the world. I wish I could find out how to make up for this deficit of mine. I wish I could treat him fairly and with the same amount of appreciation and self-sacrifice.
I hope one day I might earn the opportunity again to try.

One of the better ideas I've embraced (in addition to professional help and talking amongst my small network of very understanding and supportive friends) is to write about my thoughts here to get them out into the open; both for my own personal clarity, and also for those of you I'm often neglecting and unable to effectively connect with during my selfish days, and this very difficult time in my life.

I've gotten rather self-involved in my pain, and I think that's partially good in terms of reflection, but otherwise it's very unhelpful to those close to me who deserve my friendship and non-judgmental caring and companionship.

Beyond my self-involvement, I'm coming to realize more and more (despite a long held and clearly stated partners boundaries) that this isolationism has also played into a deeply rooted codependent relationship that I've foolishly and selfishly shaped into an unhealthy and often manipulative crutch for me often more than for "we".
I use this crutch to often put my own needs before others, particularly my partners.
I've turned away from him when he needed me, and I feel awful about it. I honestly didn't set out to do any of what I did. I'm not sure where I lost control.

Upon reflection of my actions over the last year or so I've come to the conclusion that I've essentially driven one of my most loved and cherished friends, partners, and lovers to the breaking point.

I can't think for one second how I could have been so foolish, ungrateful, and petty. I don't know why I evaded almost every piece of feedback and all the clearly-stated requests. I'd like to think I'm a better person than I have been. I haven't been at my best, and I feel rotten.

I'm sitting here thinking "I know that I can and will get better. I can get better for me, and for my friends, and for my partners sake."
This is my goal. I know I can do it.. It's just going to be a very bumpy and sobering trip to the finish line.

I've done some awful things lately; including me abandoning close friends of many years, walking out unreasonably on loved ones, and betraying the trust of those most important to me.

Quite frankly, this behavior of mine makes me sick to my stomach.
I've never set out to hurt anyone, and yet, I've successfully hurt many of those closest and most dear to me.
I've experienced some awfully painful consequences because of my actions.

I feel as if I'm living life with my eyes shut tight. I want to change. I need to. I want to be better. I have to be.
I plan to open my eyes fully, and love and respect and show concern for those I care most about.
I want to be a happy healthy person to be around and I want to treat others in a happy and healthy way as well. Always. No if's and's, or but's included.
I have legitimate weaknesses, but I need to own them and take charge. No one else can start this healing process but me.

I want to get to the bottom of things and find out why I'm treating others disrespectfully. I need to treat this sickness. I want to be a good person.

I want to explain with certainty why these shortcomings occur in me, and how to replace them with healthy alternatives.
I hope to eventually find answers to these deeper questions, and pave a path through regret to a brighter tomorrow with friends and loved ones alongside me, working as a team.

Sometimes we just don't know how to deal. We hurt others. I've hurt others. I own every part of the blame.
We push people away. I've pushed people away.
We learn from others. I've learned from others; while often taking in meaningful habits, but also some very shitty and backward skills that halt communication.

As far as my personal history goes, I've learned to endure and reflect back emotional pain and betrayal from a very young age within my own family unit.

From a very young age my father (a alcoholic and pedophile) taught me to be afraid. He taught me to cope alone. He taught me to hurt others. He taught me to not trust. He taught me to hate myself. He taught me to lie. He taught me how to manipulate. He taught me how to be selfish. He taught me how to abuse. He taught me to give up, and he taught me to put others needs below my own.

My challenge now is to not repeat this hideous cycle. I see these traits reflecting in myself and I know I need to change the hurt and the pain I feel into empathy and understanding. I can't keep the hurt going. I can't always make it about me. I need to change it. I need to own it. I need to be better and healthier.

I propose a system of goals.
This is my first goal.

#1. To try to be less hypercritical:

A few days ago (while staying at a good friends house), I decided to heat up some delicious leftover pasta salad she had made for me. My host handed me a clear microwave safe lid saying "here's a cover for your food."
Instead of thankfully saying "thanks!" For her suggested offer and wish for me to help effectively maintain her personal space (in this case, a well-cared for microwave) I blurted out, as if I (her overnight guest) was a more important decision-maker inside her own home; that "I don't need it because I'm only going to microwave for a mere minute."

I recognized within seconds of saying this back to her, that for no reason other than being oppositional, I chose to ignore and defy her personal wishes in her own space (her own home) and risked alienating our trust and established boundaries in future situations there.

This isn't okay.

In fact, what I did was rather pathetic considering I drew a line in respecting her wishes and boundaries over a fucking microwavable plate cover.
That's just downright foolish of someone to even fathom doing; yet I've developed a knack for abusing power like this no matter how petty or small, pretty much everywhere I go. I'm not at all proud of it.

Why did I say it?
Probably because I use stupid situations to exert power over others; trying to make up for my lack of self love. *sigh*
I think I have issues with self esteem.

Why do I attempt to use petty power struggles over others?
I'm probably lacking in self-worth.

My behavior is not helping, and never will help me become closer to others.
Being selfish is blocking me from growing.
Being hypercritical is dysfunctional and not in any way proactive.

I propose a change.
I want to work on this problem personally from within, and I also ask any readers to also call me out on it when apparent.

I will heal. One day at a time.
I love you all so much.

Thanks for reading. *Hugs* <3

I'm in a difficult place today

It aches deep inside today. Why?

I said some extreme things. I felt so misunderstood. So upset!

I said I didn't want to be around him anymore. I told him I hope he succumbs to all the aches and pains he tells me about. I told him I didn't care anymore.

Why does he seem to care so much about me when I find so little to care about inside him anymore? His undying acceptance of me isn't making it any easier to move on. I want him to hold me accountable if I'm being out of line. Not surrender. Why, when he doesn't really respect a lot of what I value?..or what I believe in? Why doesn't he get that we are so completely different? He says so everyday indirectly. Not to "Julie" but to most of my core beliefs as a naturalist indirectly in conversation. He literally thinks some of what I believe and follow as a lifestyle choice is complete nonsense. How am I supposed to ultimately feel about that? *sigh*

I hurt inside being there beside him.. hearing him say he knows for certain how he's going to eventually die one day. It tears little holes in my heart.

I hurt inside being away from the warmth and protection in his arms.

I hurt knowing I was maybe supposed to end this a long time ago, instead of "leading" him on much longer than needed... only further reinforcing that humanity is shit. Am I right to keep trying? When do I end this so neither of us has to be more sad?

Since when did having fuck buddies become so damn complicated and drama-ridden?

What happened to the single independent me?

I used to convince myself quite easily that I could and should be done with the intimate parts of partner that wasn't quite right for me. I could come to terms with needing to move on when the time was right.

This time it's just different. He says he loves me, and he seems to mean it. I feel numb. I don't know where all these reciprocal feelings are supposed to come from anymore. I can;t dig up anything in return when so much hope dwindles like mine has the last few months. Not when the negativity and the lack of self-respect on his end never really seems to falter.

For the first time in a long time I want to drink hard alcohol alone. I want to numb the feeling.
Why can't I stop thinking about him? I get so upset hearing the negative comments. I want to care. I want to care so badly! Anytime I try to open up my heart I feel it slowly trampled downward into hiding again. I want to help, and I want HIS help.. but ultimately that's not my place is it? We aren't supposed to want to change the people we love, right? Well, I for one can't stand the bitterness. I can't take much more. The warnings helped me understand in the beginning, but dealing is another story.

All I see is a constant piece of work in him sometimes. Persistent life/health/financial/physical problems left by the wayside... and a general lack of concern for fixing the majority of these major issues until I try to butt in and start suggesting change.. or straight up start nagging and pleading with him about it... being very serious and asking uncomfortable questions and being very serious about wanting to see an eventual change. BEING A TRULY CONCERNED FRIEND! .. all this just to maintain some level of sanity while hanging out with him so I don't feel like I need to walk out of the door every time he makes some rash comment about the stupidity of humanity and his incurable health issues and the hopelessness in the political system. It all makes my head want to explode.

If only we were "dumbed" down and didn't care about more important issues.. maybe we would both be the happiest friends and lovers in the word without sincere communication and sharing of feelings?

*sigh* I should probably be out at a bar trying to meet new people tonight instead of continuing this silly game... but socializing often feels like far too much effort these days. The internet is my solace lately.

Does something magically change at 25/26? Do people generally turn into bitter old angry people then?
My last date with someone new from my usual online dating world was in September of last year. September! That was a 9 months ago.. the night I broke my foot. No new dates since. Good lord. Where did I go? Well, I'll try to explain...

I met *him* a few weeks after the injury. I couldn't put much weight on my foot just yet, and my Ex girlfriend had invited me to a bar away from the hill. He had offered to pick me up in his huge car and take me down and back up the hill. A very sweet gesture considering he had never met me before that night.

We clicked rather quickly. He smiled all the time.. something I immediately connect with and love about people. He turned out to be a super brilliant guy too. He was kinky. Sweet. Attractive. Kind. Super nerdy. I was in love. (in a suspicious Julie sort of way of course... but head over heels regardless)

Within a few days we were hanging out at my place and cuddling together in my bed. He seemed so genuinely into me.. it was extremely flattering. We talked innocently about anything and everything. Things flowed well. I loved that he wanted to be close.

He said something quite startling that first night we spent together. He had been rubbing his hands slowly around the line of my panties, and I had teasingly brushed his hand away when they started to enter inside them. Immediately following my reaction he said "did someone drop you on your head when you were little?" ...I was extremely taken back and hurt. There was silence for several minutes as I held back tears and the anger screaming in my mind while laying silently next to him.
"Should I kick him out?"
"Should I question his thought processes incase he somehow misspoke?!
"Should I be scared that he might get more angry?"
Or...
"Is he just completely inept with words while in bed with a girl, and didn't really mean it to sound bad?!?"
God, I couldn't fathom anything but complete hurtfulness.

Eventually I uttered how hurt and confused his words had made me feel, and he quickly apologized. My anxiety and anger around his comment that night was still very active, but I took him at his word that he didn't really mean it, and tried pushing it back in my mind so I could enjoy this long-awaited cuddling session. He seemed nothing but kind for the rest of the night.
Looking back it was very disturbing to hear... it was not in a joking tone; rather a very dark and serious one. Regardless, it was probably the most bizarre and angering moment I have ever had directed toward me while cuddling with someone in my 25 years. This was my very first negative encounter with him.

It was soon after this incident that some friends of his mentioned that he had quite the negative demeanor a lot of the time. That he "means well, but comes across rather rude and insensitive until you got to really know him a bit better." This eased my confusion over the outrageous comment from the night earlier.

I made a point in my head to expect this awkwardness from him more frequently.. but now with decidedly MORE communication from me directly following the event. I wanted to alert him when he had spoken rather socially inappropriate so he could be aware of it and avoid saying it in the future. And so this pattern started.

In the beginning I kept high hopes that if I invested positively in his time and helped seek out deeper meaning in our situations together, I might eventually delve deeper into the cause for some of these very rash comments. Maybe then I could find more emphasis in his warm loving soul waiting to get out of an apparently hardened shell.

Eventually we got to trust one-another with intimacy again, and the sex we began having was amazing. I had found someone dominant and willing to experiment in the realms of age play and daddy/daughter with me! I loved him cumming inside me. I loved when he threatening to fuck my ass. I loved his soft hands and his never-ending snuggles. He would absolutely worship my body for hours, and then be ready to fuck me day and night.. over and over again however I wanted it. I was in heaven. I found a certain bliss I had been yearning for in a lover and a friend. After testing we were fluid bound, and I felt like I was coming home to a safe loved place, and I didn't want it to stop. It felt wonderful. Intimacy with him was now only a positive space.

Sure we had our differences like anyone else, but underneath he was such a kind, loving man.. I had a very hard time holding any of his "old stuck in the mud" habits and picky behaviors against him. He had been single for years so I tried not to hold too much against him. Bachelors develop bad habits along with the rest of us as we all know.
I started telling him what I expected him and us to work on while being in an intimate partnership together. He disliked a lot of my initial demands like not shaving anything anymore and Misc other things.. but I told him I needed them to feel aroused and comfortable, and he catered. It was very sweet of him.

I eventually got a little more concerned.. I intervened more as time went on and insisted on helping him do a little self-maintenance on attitude and generally acceptable word phrasing as well. Things that read respect instead of control. He didn't like some of what I had to say, and outright denied much of what I was worried about to begin with.. but in the end he said he always wanted to see me happy. He was very willing to adjust to most things in the end for ME... which I thought a bit odd, but better than nothing. I had hoped he would want to personally change to better habits for HIMSELF and for future partners... but he never really stated his reasoning that way. I did love him for trying. I just yearned for him to take some of the initiative himself someday. I still do. I didn't want to be a nag anymore!! A concerned friend perhaps, but not his mom. I know it was probably never really my place to want to "change him".. but I was not feeling comfortable around some of the things we would say, and for personal comfort I needed them to stop.

Alongside my actions to want to help him, he also graciously helped me find a mindful control of some personal pressing issues too. I have a long-held fear of commitment, and he was very kind to help ease some of my fear surrounding that area. I also have a history of abuses in my childhood, and he was very very considerate to listen and offer support as I talked about my past and my feelings on the present having conquered and still learning to conquer the painful memories surrounding it. I am forever grateful.

This sort of frustration, however, the kind surrounding socially unacceptable behaviors, and what I considered just very rude behavior in conversation is with me some nine months later up to today. I have a guess that he cares for me, but rarely enough for himself to say these demeaning comments so often. It's also very hard to care deeply for him when I see a consistent lack of effort day in and day out. Only when I ask him to change things or re-evaluate options will he often approach an important subject like finances or health issues... never really for himself though. I never see it. I never see his pride! He should have so much! He's an amazingly bright, funny and lovable person. He just never really seems self-motivated. I just don't understand why... and it bugs me to this day.

In time I started to feel like a bit of a nagging wife. I started to try caring less. I didn't see a point in caring so deeply when only *I* seemed to regularly announce a brighter possible outcome. I needed him to see it too... but it never seemed to materialize that way in his mind. It was as if he had a thick pair of sunglasses on at any given moment, and could never see the beauty in the world nearly to the clarity that I saw it. It's upsetting to feel so differently. To have such different world views is hard to cope with. To have such different priorities, and to favor beauty and darkness in such different things in life.

I started to lose a lot of hope in him.. and the same eventually came of my confidence in our relationship together. Every time he told me he had lost hope in something, I lost a tiny bit of hope in us as well. I asked more about his feelings, and the more confused I became. I started to not want to hear it anymore. I started to slowly back away. I wanted to hear only optimism... not, "I tried already."

Eventually I felt I couldn't invest in a sexual relationship anymore. I felt I would be lying to both of us if we continued to join together on such an intimate level. Sure, we both loved the physical intimacy... but inside I didn't like what he stood for. I hated that he didn't care about so many important things. I hated that he was always so skeptical about things. I hated that he lacked compassion and empathy. I hated that he thought much of my core beliefs were based on "snake oil." I hated that he doesn't get very into politics, and that he couldn't describe his feelings for his parents to me, or explain to me why he never chose to learn to cook, or tell me about his feelings surrounding earlier trauma in his childhood... similar to my own. I hated that he didn't feel in sync with the earth, and that he had never seemed to look inside himself for answers. I hated that he was so overly critical of doctors and children and what television represented... and that he was so ridiculously critical of his clothing and his eating patterns and his material possessions. I hated the bitterness. I hated the mess. Ugh. I started to just hate him. I was having a hard time finding any of my optimism anymore. Was I becoming who I hung with? Was I just as critical? *shakes fist*

I began feeling weighed down. I was having a hard time finding clarity around much of our deeper and personally motivated conversations together. I felt after so much I was always, always, ALWAYS eventually hitting a big brick wall with him, no matter what the topic was.

Was this MY problem? MY issue? Always wanting *him* to change? Was I right in wanting to stray from someone who chose such a different life path? I guess there are no easy answers.. only feelings. Fucking girl parts. In the end I just want to be happy.

Why doesn't he walk beside me on the street? Why does he almost always walk ten feet behind me until I ask him to catch up to me?
WHY?
This and other things seem so awkward to me.. almost disrespectful. I've never encountered someone who does so many of these quirky things. He says he can't. He says we can't walk fast enough to catch up. What am I to do with a comment like that?

I can't help but feel that his comment on the walking pattern behind me is less of a physical statement, and more of a metaphorical one. Are we on separate paths?

I have a hard time seeing any drive in him anymore.. no personal strive for better and happier. Is this depression? Is this me being overly critical? All I know is I feel numb. I can't try anymore if it's only going to be mostly one-sided. I want to just take the easy way out... give up for now... end it.. throw it away and forget about it ever possibly going anywhere.

It hurts though. I do care... as much as I fucking hate so much about him. I see a good man underneath all that both comforts me and agonizes me.

Why is this so much more difficult than anything I've done intimately with others in the past? Why can't I just find someone more normal? Am I just as weird?

For now I guess I'll forgo that shot of vodka... I'm tired now. I just want to be happy again. I want to be understood. I want to feel justified and respected. I want to have a lover who loves and cares for himself..and who takes the time each day to renew and define respect for his body mind and spirit.

I hope I can eventually find the answers. I hope things eventually start to make some ounce of sense between us... even if that is separation. I just want to be happy, and more importantly I want to see HIM be happy... not with me.. but within.

Goodnight for now.
Let our sweetest of dreams renew us.. <3

My insane last month on earth...

So, have you ever had one of those long insane months go by that seemed like a whole calendar year? Where you meet amazing people and experience more than you've ventured to do in practically the last year or so emotionally? God, where have I fucking been. So it went down like this... couple messages girl on gothicpersonals.com, girl messages back, we invite each other on myspace, girl talks briefly with them here, a chance encounter occurs at the local asian marketplace, girl bumps into boy of couple and they discuss talking further than they had casually online, girl meets couple at goth bar, girl makes an ass out of herself initially asking couple if they are kinky/and or into the idea of threesomes, couple raises an eyebrow, couple invites her out again ..this time a little more intimately, soon girl gets the vibe this couple is out to find a 3rd, girl flirts like shes never flirted before, couple responds to this and takes her in ...caressing her and letting her touch the soft pink haired vixen boobies and the oober goth boy balls, one thing leads to another and we all find ourselves panting and/or petting after most every date, couple gives girl flowers, girl thinks to herself, "holy shit this is actually happening," couple cuddles with girl, they all have a romantic sunset watching on the beach together, girl feels all is right with the world, a few days later boy of couple shows up at girls window, he's frantic about his pink vixen wanting to break things off somehow, girl is very confused, boy of couple has confessed his love for them both already, girl is suddenly pulled back into reality, boy of couple mentions the idea of continuing the other 2 legs of the triad together, girl feels awkward, girl agrees to try this 2-some thing while taking things very slowly, boy and girl continue frequent cuddlings and naughtiness inside sheets, boy and girl exchange the "L" word amongst passionate embraces, fuck...its only been a month.... Girl never saw this coming.
So is life I guess? I had never planned to do anything like this initially... yes, the poly bit is definitely my ideal, but wow....this was sudden. God, they were cute as shit. Honestly.. like the fucking cutest little kink couple into bondage and rape-play I can imagine encountering ever. I have to admit they had me totally fixated. She is witty as shit, into fetish photography, VERY familiar with kink, flirty. He is a total gentleman, into holding womans heads into the pillow during sex, nerdy, and very into the idea of sharing us both. Grrness. Eh, I guess fairy tales are just fairly tales sometimes. I guess shes moving out now. She said I had nothing to do with it all, but GOD how I'm defiantly feeling the opposite. I guess I didn't totally lose out however. This boy and I have basically agree to try dating just us. This would be Julies first "dating" in quite some time. I have no idea what I'm doing :) I guess for now it just feels right. He tells me he loves me, holds me closer than I think anyone ever has before, and calls/text me constantly. I told him I loved him also. It felt good to say. I guess my heads still spinning some after this all. I'm such a fucking cautious person usually... Ive forever been a relationship-ophobe ....avoiding serious dates and "together" people like the plague. Most of my kinky connections are very casual and low key for that reason. I guess its easier just not trying for the most part. Plus, hell... all the truly "poly" folk I know have little kiddies living with them, right? Yeah ...reality. *Sigh* Well, anyways :) God.. I feel special. I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells w/ him and her however. Things are just too shaky still to try to get too cozy just yet, but I do think I like this guy. Hell, he tells me he cares...that he wants a good friend and lover...that its much more than the naughty bits.. how can a Julie resist? I haven't felt this giddy since Spokane. I only hope that his vixen wants to stay close by. That he means what he says!?! :) Hes spent the last 2 nights here with me at my apartment ...we lust together and then we wake up all pretzeled together when the sun rises. Could this be part of something really awesome? I have my heart in this one. <3 *smiles*