Bless me Blogger, for I have sinned. Its been over a month since my last confession.
I'm a bit torn at the moment. Ive been having a hard time figuring life out lately. The issue I'm talking about involves a boy. The one I was referring to earlier in my posts. I think that I like him a lot, but that he doesn't like me back in exactly the same way. I wish I could say he doesn't know whats good for him.. but only he knows that of course.
I know I need to be okay with this because he loves someone else. He never stopped loving her. They are sweet together aside losing the title they shared. I feel like I don't really have the right to feel this way... and well, hey.. I feel like a drama queen for wallowing in the thought so much anyways. *sigh*
I used to always say.. and still say to others.. that labeling isn't important... that "it is what it is," right? I'm sure this is true, and I will continue to give people this advice... but... Hmm.. sometimes I guess a girl just wants some.. err.. assurance? Well, at this point I don't think I'll be getting much more. I need to get back into my old groove to stop all these whirling fantasies. Im wondering if i just need to move on.
I was looking online for new friends for the longest time.. pretty much since I was 18 Ive been on the dating scene.. getting casual dates.. keeping up with email exchanges to new, interesting and mysterious people. Never looking for anything very serious.. but always sort of looking with that as an underlying goal perhaps?
That all has pretty much ceased since March when this all happened. Ive not had any new dates since then.
I met a cool couple in March... big deal right? I meet couples all the time.. I guess these people just hit home a bit more for me than others usually do. These people seemed real.. I could relate to them.. I enjoyed their company, got too close too soon, and heck... shit hit the fan. I don't even know what to say about the whole thing. I feel like I'm standing here starring blindly like a deer caught in headlights. No one did anything wrong really. We developed feelings... its only natural? Its been a little weirder lately though. I feel like a coward for not chatting with her much anymore, and instead always hanging out with him. Maybe she wants it this way? I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by being so open with him about my feelings. Shit. He said it first... I'm being a girl!! He was at one point open with me until I asked him to stop it. I talked with him one day and asked him to stop saying sweet things to me.... because.. well, I felt like it was sort-of giving me false hope, you know? I mean.. unless I just don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, I'm pretty sure I love the guy. As crazy as that sounds... coming from a girl that doesn't get into serious relationships very often... and who doesn't throw the "L" word around anyone usually aside her best friends and her sweet sweet sister. It hurt when he said it near the end. I know he loves her with all his heart... but, he said he liked me too.. hmm.. but shes not interested in me... but I know he deep down wants to have a relationship with her much more than me (at least it seems):) .. hmm, I guess its much easier handling a friendship. We have still continued to be intimate together, and we talk/text once or twice a day.
We talked recently about the way I feel. Last Monday we chatted outside the bar we ate at... about how I like him, and that i guess it hurts somewhat.. knowing he loves her and wants to be with her. I am fucking awful for saying that... I know. I should be happy for him, and I am.... they are great together.. but, well... jealousy rears its ugly head.. it does hurt not seeing him every day, and it hurts not getting cuddled as much as I was.
*sigh* I need to get over him some. I need some strong fun person to just whisk me off my feet here now, and start up my dating like I was before. Let their relationship be... let it heal. I need to be okay with just being friends!! :) I'm supposed to be good at this dammit!! I know I can be.. I'm just giving it time. I need to go on some dates... and I know it will get easier.
<3 Its true what they say... about opening your heart... you risk a lot when you do!! I am seeing now how 'waiting until the time is right' will save you a lot of grief down the road.
So yeah!!! Sorry about the drama all! ... I promise I am still my same kinky dirty self... hell, I just explored the artsy kink of sploshing yesterday!! Holy jesus that was insane. My bois made the experience happen. I shall post a picture or 3 when I get them!! <3
As far as positive news stories go, my Aerogarden is now fairly mature and yielding some yummy sweet smelling vegetation! My apartment always smells like basil. I'm cooking with my herbs weekly now!! Weee 4 health! *hugs her herbies*
Love you all.