Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Choosing pregnancy specifically and purposefully to abort

aka; a premeditated baby-grinder is me...
Why does EVERY fucking person who writes for the “shout my abortion” campaign
feel they need to lay down a long-winded excuse or description of circumstances
leading up to their natural bodily processes needing medical intervention? Stop. No.
   The parasitic cell division that occurs in ½ of the human population as a means of
continued existence is a naturally occurring biological process..  something human
bodies are designed solely to do as a function of our simply existing in the first place..
no different than our innate desire to eat or shit or cough or breathe.
   Cell division is a necessary function of human bodies.. get over it. You owe zero
excuses for your body functions. NO ONE should be stigmatizing pregnancy anymore
than they might cancer or cleft palates… you know; those natural bodily processes
people routinely DON’T provide any fucking excuses for... because we shouldn't have to.
   I had my 'abortion' 110% purposefully premeditated. I did it for me and ONLY me
because I can do whatever the flying fuck I want to my body.
I wanted to experience what the whole "preggers" thing felt like for a wk or so, mostly
for sexual reasons (because you only live once, right?).. and maybe (it was a long shot
maybe) get some bonus bigger/darker nips or areolas out of the fun. (sadly it was cut off
much too soon to do much on that note, but it did end up being a hell of a preggo/breeding
fetish fantasy come true for this kinky slutbag!) Naturally the ultimate turn-on for any cunt
in heat, ever, duh... (thanks evolution)
   I just didn't want to experience it for very long, because pregnancy can be quite
dangerous and the idea of growing crotch parasites.. yuck; yeah, no.. hard limit
on stomach growthy things. I stick to adopted fur-babes/ready born chittlins, thanx.
  I’m privileged enough to be an anti-natalist.. and fully given the choice to decide,
there's no ethical excuse I can personally come up with to birth a life. It would be cruel
and unnecessary in my eyes; especially on an already overpopulated planet currently
unable to sustain its current inhabitants even remotely ethically. But the idea of
pregnancy is fucking HOT.
   I wanted to avoid any vacuum evacuation/curettage, so I decided to schedule my
“medical” abortion as early as I possibly could; which ended up being pretty much
the same time cells started dividing in my uterus. (ugh..shudder.. I just couldn't wait
more than a few days... it's just too fucking creepy knowing something is growing in
   I routinely use those cheapy (yet reliable!) dollar-store hCG tests every month
(or anytime I have a late period) just for general peace of mind.. so i caught my tiny
little growth within 1-2 weeks of it attaching to me. It ended up taking my fat PCOS
ridden ass roughly 14 months of (ovulating) vaginal sex with the resident boislut
for my anxious horniness to pay off too! I really prefer anal with intact cocks both for
feel/subbyness and pregger protection.. but I just had to get this out of my system..
(pun.. ohh............)
   My plan was to force a "thick period" via mifepristone/misoprostol so I could get a
day of heavy cramps comfortably at home, gather my little cell blobby in a jar, take
some family photos, and delight in personally “murdering” it; (as much as you can
murder a centimeter-size cluster of dividing cells anyway) ...I just really wanted to be
able to say I committed SOME form of baby murder... muhahahahah! (not many
chances in life u know)
   I also just wanted to see what the whole mysteriously medicalized guilted/shamed
patriarchal bullshit process of navigating an 'abortion' in this state and country was
really like, because I’m an Anthro/Comparative History major and I delight in
investigating gendered cultural narratives like this one.. particularly one so insanely
  Let me also note that I'm a privileged white 34 year old college-educated ape from
Seattle who has pretty excellent (and free) access to healthcare through medicaid
while studying at UW, so I was/am privileged as shit to be able to do this so casually
and live/type to talk about it as such, while so many in the world still can't.
   I learned a lot.. that the docs on UW campus have to refer students out to a
specialty clinic bc they don’t carry/perform “medical” abortions on campus interestingly;
that a day of excessively heavy cramping is kinda fun as a once-off feeling of
supposed “motherhood” if you’re never having kiddos otherwise but want to feel like
you still kinda got a little of the physical  experience; and that the whole process
(testing, referral, pill-popping and follow-up) was absolutely riddled with political,
gendered, and lawful whiny medicalized bullshit (unsurprisingly) even in liberal as fuck
Seattle.. (boy, we love policing womens bodies!)
   I went into this adventure with a fair amount of medical knowledge; so I knew what
to expect; but nothing prepares you for other women expecting you to be this sad,
ashamed, afraid, alone, demolished creature.. acting as this helpless victim unsure
of your options and how your body works… that was mind-opening to experience
  I’ve always felt very in control of my healthcare (having participated in numerous
clinical studies on and off campus throughout the years; in random sampling and
multiple medication phase trials, etc.) This experience definitely stood out as unique
to me.
   The MDs, ARNPs and nurses on my medical team (all women) at the referral
clinic (“Cedar River” in the downtown Seattle medical/dental building), all shared
this invisibilize bond.. a sense of shared strength and struggle.. both in my first visit
(mifepristone necessarily taken in the presence of an aid visually in office) and
during the follow-up ultrasound (2 weeks after my misoprostol dosing at home).
  The rooms there were thick with a sense of collective triumph; I remember that
solidarity well. What started as a curious decision to experience this procedure
myself, ended as a unique way of seeing women's struggle; as 2 of the women
waiting next to me looked like they didn’t have homes; and there perhaps as necessity.

   I have similar women throughout civil rights history to thank for paving my path to
equal quality healthcare options like this; notably those that never apologized and
never felt even slightly at fault for taking responsibility for their bodies, their future,
and their autonomy.. AND, lets not forget, their sexuality!! because I don't regret
a damn second of this experience/experiement; my learning to use my
reproductive organs for my own satisfaction! ;)

Wanna see it? of course you fucking do... Look, Ma.. i grew a thingie!!

(for reference, this glass kitchen bowl is about 4x4 inches.. i kept it high-res and suspended
it in water so you can see the cool detail... creepy! hu?!)
I was really tempted to fry it up and eat it, or put it in formaldehyde as a keepsake,
but I ended up just pouring it down the garbage disposal/turning it on whilst doing and
laughing maniacally...because it seemed mildly entertaining at the time.