Saturday, April 24, 2010
Its been nearly a year now since I logged in and wrote to you here. It's good to be back, while with my return comes a major life shift.
Its odd how it always seems the pain is more likely to push me here than the good :) But, then again, If things are going relatively well, I guess I write my story out through positive social interaction, and the energy we exert in loving relationships. (A once-thriving threesome situation to be more accurate!!)
*sigh* Which leads me to this: I'm feeling quite confused and lonely lately.
I should note, that while I don't plan to take any past posts down from this site, I should (for other parties sake) make note that I'm no longer with my wonderful pink-haired vixen who I've come to love and adore for so long now.
She left me around a month and a half ago... literally telling me she was "Opting Out" of this relationship dynamic... from the three of us together in a triad situation.
My heart sunk that evening. Hearing those words. She had seemed dreadfully distant these last few weeks, but this? It was very unexpected.
I had to retreat to the bathroom then. My emotions were bubbling up inside me, but I was afraid to show them to her at this point. As dead as the world seemed to me those 45 mins shut into that little tomb... I couldn't help but remember the vibrant bathroom full of memories that I had come to associate.. complete with cute little butt slaps, and group showers, and carefree conversations. So many happy days.
Within a matter of minutes this colorful little room turned into an encapsulating funeral of sorts. I couldn't help but look around at all the adorable decor.. all the cute little odds and ends that I had come to smile at spontaneously over the last 2 years.. now slowly fading their magnificent colors to gray.
All lost. Never again. I couldn't help but repeat those words in my mind over and over again. Never again a random back-hug while we put our makeup on together, never again helping one another dress-up for the clubs, and never again a lighthearted shower conversation after we playfully romp around in the summer heat.
I couldn't make the tears stop.. they just kept flowing that evening... this emotion I rarely see. It poured like rain. All I could think to do was awkwardly pull my assigned bright orange toothbrush from it's little holder.. a nesting spot where it had called home aside theirs the last year, and I clutched it to my chest and shoved it down into my pocket. I was out. That stupid little toothbrush symbolizing much more than I wanted to grasp at the time.. an up-rooting.. what felt like the end.
He was there eventually. Consoling me. Telling me it was going to be okay. He wrote "I love you" on my hand when he came in to comfort me. It meant the world at that point. He still cared for me. He helped wipe away my tears. I eventually worked up the courage to walk outside into the living room, give her a hug, and leave that once-wonderful playground of an apartment and our joyous triad dream behind me.
This "Opting out" decision of hers hit me quite hard. She displayed the name of a new linked female partner of hers about 2 days later on a social-networking site.
My chest ached immeasurably seeing my name disappear.
It was a harsh reality seeing my name replaced with another so soon. There it was. Like I had never been there. I know my hurt around this change is completely irrational and unfair. Just because I can't move on as fast doesn't mean others aren't allowed to. But, all the same.. there it was. Official to the world... not just in my heart.
Fast forward about a month and a half.. and I'm much better now. I try not to be bitter.. or hurt, or angry. I know people change. I know life constantly morphs, and relationships with it. Letting go of my sweet wonderful girl emotionally has proved a really difficult task for me, but I can't forget for one second everything amazing about what we had together... it always makes me smile.
Far too many wonderful memories to be bitter about. She was a huge part of my blossoming social world since the spring of 08'... my new best friend, my cuddles, my lust and intense intimacy, and a good amount of my confidence the last 2 years of my existence. God, how I loved her. I'm so thankful to have shared what I did with such a wonderful person. As much as it hurts saying goodbye to it so abruptly.
With her, I truly started into the kink community in real life as we discovered the CSPC together outside the web, and I discovered countless new acquaintances through her friends, and all the time we spent together out meeting others. That meant the world to my shy reclusive ass. She helped open me up to an endless list of amazing opportunities.
There were so many countless casual nights spent lounging on that big old blue couch.. the three of us together.. just enjoying everyones company while doing our own thing. Being friends. Having that wonderful care-free companionship. Those are my fondest memories beside her. That and all those silly boardgames. :) Thinking about us shitting around casually.. doing the little things together, is the hardest kind of memory to part with.
While I'm still experiencing a great deal of emotion behind losing her, I know it will eventually take root into new opportunity and fade into time. But shit... it certainly is easier said than done. I guess I didn't quite realize just how much I had emotionally invested in her time, her trust, and her love and acceptance until one day it just seemed to "poof" out of existence.. and I suddenly found myself losing everything I love about her. Its true what they say.. that you never realize the magnitude of what you hold dear until it falls away.
I could write about her forever. The way the sunlight hit her beautiful eyes in the afternoon, her comforting smile, her soft touch, her beautiful heart. Our wonderful conversations we'd have late at night as we dozed off.. legs entwined together in bed. I loved every waking moment of our time together.. and while I'm accepting of her choice to move on, I'll always love her.
As my heart slowly mends itself, I know I'll pick my life back up.. and eventually find more amazing people to share my journey with. It's a long hard road, and if I ever find someone even half as amazing as her, it will be damn well worth every step.
Meanwhile, the other 3rd of our "ex-triad" (whom I now casually refer to as my boyfriend) still spends time with me off and on... we maintain a casual friendship... spending time with one-another about every week or so. He's been a wonderful friend, and an ear to my heart, and I love and appreciate him for putting up with my very somber self these past weeks.
I do hate that I'm so dramatic at times.. and I apologize.. especially now. Lately I've been nothing but one huge roller-coaster of emotional up and down and around and around again. (I luckily have my friends to thank for listening to all my venting and bitching and mindless babble through all hours of the day and night)<3
Again though, things are looking up, and I'm starting to see more light on the horizon... as some new friendships have come to blossom in my life recently. I'm excited for whats around the corner. The possibilities seem endless. I'll try my best to keep my heart open.
I care for you all so much. Everyone. I'm so blessed to have good friends around me who continually put up with my random BS, who lend an ear to my rants and raves, who always encourage me to do the right thing, and stick by me in the sticky spots. You make up my universe. You make me. I love you all forever. <3 More in time..