Choosing pregnancy specifically and purposefully to abort

aka; a premeditated baby-grinder is me...

Why does EVERY fucking person who writes for the “shout my abortion” campaign
feel they need to lay down a long-winded excuse or description of circumstances
leading up to their natural bodily processes needing medical intervention? Stop. No.

   The parasitic cell division that occurs in ½ of the human population as a means of
continued existence is a naturally occurring biological process..  something human
bodies are designed solely to do as a function of our simply existing in the first place..
no different than our innate desire to eat or shit or cough or breathe.

   Cell division is a necessary function of human bodies.. get over it. You owe zero
excuses for your body functions. NO ONE should be stigmatizing pregnancy anymore
than they might cancer or cleft palates… you know; those natural bodily processes
people routinely DON’T provide any fucking excuses for... because we shouldn't have to.

   I had my 'abortion' 110% purposefully premeditated. I did it for me and ONLY me
because I can do whatever the flying fuck I want to my body.

I wanted to experience what the whole "preggers" thing felt like for a wk or so, mostly
for sexual reasons (because you only live once, right?).. and maybe (it was a long shot
maybe) get some bonus bigger/darker nips or areolas out of the fun. (sadly it was cut off
much too soon to do much on that note, but it did end up being a hell of a preggo/breeding
fetish fantasy come true for this kinky slutbag!) Naturally the ultimate turn-on for any cunt
in heat, ever, duh... (thanks evolution)

   I just didn't want to experience it for very long, because pregnancy can be quite
dangerous and the idea of growing crotch parasites.. yuck; yeah, no.. hard limit
on stomach growthy things. I stick to adopted fur-babes/ready born chittlins, thanx.

  I’m privileged enough to be an anti-natalist.. and fully given the choice to decide,
there's no ethical excuse I can personally come up with to birth a life. It would be cruel
and unnecessary in my eyes; especially on an already overpopulated planet currently
unable to sustain its current inhabitants even remotely ethically. But the idea of
pregnancy is fucking HOT.

   I wanted to avoid any vacuum evacuation/curettage, so I decided to schedule my
“medical” abortion as early as I possibly could; which ended up being pretty much
the same time cells started dividing in my uterus. (ugh..shudder.. I just couldn't wait
more than a few days... it's just too fucking creepy knowing something is growing in
there)

   I routinely use those cheapy (yet reliable!) dollar-store hCG tests every month
(or anytime I have a late period) just for general peace of mind.. so i caught my tiny
little growth within 1-2 weeks of it attaching to me. It ended up taking my fat PCOS
ridden ass roughly 14 months of (ovulating) vaginal sex with the resident boislut
for my anxious horniness to pay off too! I really prefer anal with intact cocks both for
feel/subbyness and pregger protection.. but I just had to get this out of my system..
(pun.. ohh............)

   My plan was to force a "thick period" via mifepristone/misoprostol so I could get a
day of heavy cramps comfortably at home, gather my little cell blobby in a jar, take
some family photos, and delight in personally “murdering” it; (as much as you can
murder a centimeter-size cluster of dividing cells anyway) ...I just really wanted to be
able to say I committed SOME form of baby murder... muhahahahah! (not many
chances in life u know)

   I also just wanted to see what the whole mysteriously medicalized guilted/shamed
patriarchal bullshit process of navigating an 'abortion' in this state and country was
really like, because I’m an Anthro/Comparative History major and I delight in
investigating gendered cultural narratives like this one.. particularly one so insanely
new.

  Let me also note that I'm a privileged white 34 year old college-educated ape from
Seattle who has pretty excellent (and free) access to healthcare through medicaid
while studying at UW, so I was/am privileged as shit to be able to do this so casually
and live/type to talk about it as such, while so many in the world still can't.

   I learned a lot.. that the docs on UW campus have to refer students out to a
specialty clinic bc they don’t carry/perform “medical” abortions on campus interestingly;
that a day of excessively heavy cramping is kinda fun as a once-off feeling of
supposed “motherhood” if you’re never having kiddos otherwise but want to feel like
you still kinda got a little of the physical  experience; and that the whole process
(testing, referral, pill-popping and follow-up) was absolutely riddled with political,
gendered, and lawful whiny medicalized bullshit (unsurprisingly) even in liberal as fuck
Seattle.. (boy, we love policing womens bodies!)

   I went into this adventure with a fair amount of medical knowledge; so I knew what
to expect; but nothing prepares you for other women expecting you to be this sad,
ashamed, afraid, alone, demolished creature.. acting as this helpless victim unsure
of your options and how your body works… that was mind-opening to experience
first-hand.

  I’ve always felt very in control of my healthcare (having participated in numerous
clinical studies on and off campus throughout the years; in random sampling and
multiple medication phase trials, etc.) This experience definitely stood out as unique
to me.

   The MDs, ARNPs and nurses on my medical team (all women) at the referral
clinic (“Cedar River” in the downtown Seattle medical/dental building), all shared
this invisibilize bond.. a sense of shared strength and struggle.. both in my first visit
(mifepristone necessarily taken in the presence of an aid visually in office) and
during the follow-up ultrasound (2 weeks after my misoprostol dosing at home).

  The rooms there were thick with a sense of collective triumph; I remember that
solidarity well. What started as a curious decision to experience this procedure
myself, ended as a unique way of seeing women's struggle; as 2 of the women
waiting next to me looked like they didn’t have homes; and there perhaps as necessity.

   I have similar women throughout civil rights history to thank for paving my path to
equal quality healthcare options like this; notably those that never apologized and
never felt even slightly at fault for taking responsibility for their bodies, their future,
and their autonomy.. AND, lets not forget, their sexuality!! because I don't regret
a damn second of this experience/experiement; my learning to use my
reproductive organs for my own satisfaction! ;)

Wanna see it? of course you fucking do... Look, Ma.. i grew a thingie!!
(for reference, this glass kitchen bowl is about 4x4 inches.. i kept it high-res and suspended
it in water so you can see the cool detail... creepy! hu?!)
I was really tempted to fry it up and eat it, or put it in formaldehyde as a keepsake,
but I ended up just pouring it down the garbage disposal/turning it on whilst doing and
laughing maniacally...because it seemed mildly entertaining at the time.

I Intentionally DON'T lock bathroom stalls or single-occupancy bathroom doors.. because I shouldn't have to.

Why? ....why the hell not??

A few reasons...

- I'm a fat person and stalls are fucking tiny annoying stinky cramped spaces
- I like having an "out" in case of unforeseeable emergency (earthquake, shooter, etc)
- I'm not a fan of doors...or walls... or enclosed spaces in general...
- I don't have an inherent fear of others seeing or judging my body
- Door/stall handles are the dirtiest thing in the bathroom (they aren't cleaned routinely like toilets)
- No one ever tries to enter my space (wiggles handle/knocks) when I'm seen
- It opens up space for chit chat (vulnerability breeds connection)
- If I run out of toilet paper, someone can actually hand me some
- I like to look my friends/family/etc in the eye when I'm talking, not yell over a door
- More often than not, stalls/bathroom locks are dysfunctional in busy restrooms anyways
- The idea of locking myself into a tiny corner with strangers around seems creepy
- I grew up using stalls in parks that never had doors on them
- Urinals don't have stalls in-between them... why the fuck do toilets?
- Most restrooms around the world don't have doors... and people manage just fine.
- Ventilation, ventilation, ventilation!! I don't want the stink to linger..
- Every animal on earth outside homo-sapiens doesn't give 2 shits (I mean, they do.. but..)

     I rarely encounter other folks not locking doors, and I find it odd.. outside disabled folks and little kids (the tiny innocent folks who haven't internalized societal body shaming yet) it's as if women are ashamed of their piss and their genitals. I can't say I'm surprised.. :/
     We don't all lock ourselves into little metal boxes when we put things inside our body.. (aka eating) we actually do quite the opposite and make it a social function... we tend to WANT to eat together. Why can't bathrooms be used as the valuable social spaces they are? (After all, we do ALL share the same regular need to go.. it's not as if anyone DOESN'T take dumps) ...In restaurants we all hold ourselves accountable for cleanliness because it's a shared space.. and that's rarely the case with restrooms... secrecy breeds some disgusting habits.. not flushing, not picking up what you drop, not using the plunger when you plug one up (ew) etc.. bathrooms are weird fucking spaces.. they remind me of the depths of 4chan, reddit and youtube comments where people go just to make trouble.
    There's even bathroom-messing fetishists... it's a thing! (I've seen it) wherein folks go into the secrecy of a stall, intentionally plug up a toilet with giant wads of toilet paper, then flush and run... just for the funsies of it... like a hobbie. (It's usually older retired women earlier in the mornings in larger department-type stores where they can't be easily caught.. they're surprisingly common!) It turns out that humans turn into irresponsible pieces of shit (pun intended) when left to privacy. Such.... bizarre.. spaces!! (Not surprisingly, I'm also a seasonal/recreational/social nudist.
     As always, the issue is gendered... it's completely acceptable for men to stand next to one-another and excrete bodily fluids as a group.. while the "filthy/nasty.. in need of protection because of our inherent feebleness-women" are expected to shut themselves away in a stinky dark un-ventilated germ box. No..fucking.. thanks.
I'll be keeping my door wiiide open, thank you! :)

Dose = Poison!

Repeat after me:

Dose = Poison
Dose = Poison
Dose = Poison

   Everything is a chemical and can be dangerous in high enough doses or if consumed improperly. Take H2O (water); it will kill you if you breathe enough of it in (drowning, duh) and it will kill you if you consume too much in a short span of time (aka water intoxication; disturbs electrolyte balance leading to rapid drop in serum sodium concentration.. causing seizures, permanent brain damage, coma and/or death) Keep in mind H2O is also primarily what we're made of.
   Always remember, *Dose = poison*. H2O isn't inherently toxic to humans; it just is in large doses. This applies to EVERYTHING.. [i.e. sunlight (radiation) or salt - both deadly to humans if we're exposed to too little/too much] and EVERY food; take caffeine or vinegar (coffee/salad dressing)... both carcinogenic, but damn tasty and GRAS (generally recognized as safe!)

Dose = Poison. Preach it.

Why does this matter? Because the term "toxic chemical" is relative. There are a few notable exceptions to the rule of course... but enough with the alarmist ideas in the food realm... come at me with a dose that's toxic and I'll listen to you like you know what the fuck you're talking about.

What turns our crank and why? I try to break it down...

    From what I've gathered in readings and research as an undergrad over the years in anthropology and cultural studies (history), (as well as my own sexual sluttery with over 200 people in my day) there are three drivers I've found routinely popping up in "gratifying" human sexual experience that happen OUTSIDE PHYSICAL FEELING.

    These three I've come to know are understood psychologically and sociologically (or those we can test or poll regularly and then record) and seem to constantly be in play with each other in various (known famously) conceptualizations... ie Freudian, Maslow's hierarchies.. blah blah blah.. (mostly white institutionalized western thought which I tend to avoid using as meaningful or scientific)

   The formation of these overlapping desires I've gathered are based on my accounts of human need relating back to sexual desire and fulfillment. They're variable, but always present in some form.

These are the 3 drivers in non-physical desire I've come up with (and hope to elaborate much more about in time as a senior):

1. Novelty - (whatever/whoever's newest or weirdest or foreign/unique gets us most excited)

2. Fantasy - (sexualized ideas/feelings we've built or associated in mind; coming to fruition)

3. Group Identity and group dynamism - (what identities we sexualize and/or how our groupings interact w other groupings; ie.. gender identity, concepts of family, sex as social tool)

    I find we can usually figure out what excites us all (and why) when we account for these three overlapping variables... at least as far as I've found in my own research... why? ...we're a group animal with group animal needs :) Our sexual perceptions and need to procreate are always based on others and the way we perceive others when we're talking about anything outside physiology.

Bias in Science; how does a messy species find truth?

     I had a great conversation this wk with a newer online chum.. particularly surrounding bias and systemic racism in and around research and methodology. He raised some great points about how research is largely biased, and I couldn't agree more. 

    One only has to look at current maternal death statistics to see that black women in the US are three times as likely to die post-child birth than white women, or look at the history in the US of syphilis "research" methods used on black Americans in the last century in the name of scientific advancement, or the history of eugenics, the concept of the 'one-drop' rule, or historical methods created to classify classes of humans like phrenology.

   The list of human atrocities made in the name of science had been absolutely horrendous.. including the shit-show in the White House and EPA at the moment.

     On this note, I need to talk way more (and hope to see others talk more) about systemic racism and how it creates bias and actively oppresses in science today.. it's critical.
    The point I wish to make, however, is why we so desperately need an unbiased method to interpret the world around us amongst this chaos our species repeatedly creates. We're lousy with stats, we're biased, we can't remember things well, and affluent white wealthy land owners can't seem to treat each other (or anyone we've deemed outsider ourselves) with much mutual respect.
    The gentleman I spoke with made a great point about race relations and the systemic bigotry white folks used to build this country on... and about his own struggle inside that shit-show casm as a person of color in this colonialist country. (This is critically important shit that needs to be talked about.. alot!!) But it kinda had zero percent to do with what I was trying to really talk to him about... that true empirical data is just that opposite.. it doesn't lie or work within bias. We can distort our scientific methodologies to no end, but evidence.. evidence is "pure" in that it's simply explaining reality (after we test and test and test and test and then test once more :) 

   We need to totally be down to talk race relations and politics and science ethics surrounding racism.. it's totally my bag.. and it should be yours too.. but I want to also point out that messy humans stand outside empirical reality... that reality is something beyond human bias.

     It's critical here that we discuss the literal definition and function of what the scientific method is and what it produces... and that while messy humans follow it, we find true empirical realities the more we practice it. There should always be room to talk ethics alongside science (and there has to be) but what science and science communicators are trying to get across to society is much simpler. I only wish we come to have more voices of color reaching out.... trying to convey a method of testing. ... .. and you, I, we...all know it..(you probably learned about it in grade school playing with batteries and basic household chemicals)

   It's the scientific method... one that shows what's real vs what's not, in the most basic sense.. ie, gravity, chemical reaction, the physics of light and motion... basically the stuff that explains why the world works the way it does (ie why your remote control makes things change on your TV screen, or how I'm able to talk to you across town via a soldered glass/metal/led box) .. it's understanding how we got to know these things, and then using those fundamentals to explain and research further.

  Humans can affect funding and grant processes of research, write shitty ethics for an experiment, commit genocide in the name of science.. etc, etc.. but at the end if the day, we can't stop fundamental processes.. we can't  manipulate gravity or stop the sun from coming up, or halt radioactive decay or stop fundamental particles from being atoms.. they simply are. 

    Human bias doesn't affect the rules of physics.. the numbers/the data.. the fundamental equations that make the world work. In this way, science serves us as a tool determining empirical reality. That's what I think so many who "believe" things are missing. The science/numbers don't lie.. it's just we the imperfect people who do.
     How do we account for human error? The scientific method seems like one of the only ways i've found... It simply asks for repeated data over and over and over again.. verifiable results.. it's used with methodologies that root out human error (ie statistical noise, falsified data, or liers) 

   This is why we can only be 98% sure global warming is human produced in meta-data (studies combining hundreds of other studies on subject to account for error) Yes, it's preeeettyy obvious it's occurring... but  climate data is messy.. bc humans are messy.. and so there's 2% of studies that aren't as explicit with their findings (or never directly refer to humans in their study, simply because they assume the obvious in light of their findings in climate Science after 30 years of publishing the same.
    So yeah, I guess I hope folks can understand the difference there... because belief has absolutely nothing to do with why batteries work or how magnets attract. That's science. Bias is human error, and we know it's there and how to correct for it. :) The trick going forward is... how do we stop being awful to each other and simply listen to the reality? I only hope it works to bond us in these tough times.. that science can work as a tool, instead of a political means to further oppress.

On "Organic" Food and Practice...

    "Organic" food, as industry folks refer to it, is a belief system based on something called a naturalism bias; it's built on the assumption that chemicals mixed synthetically are inherently worse than chemicals "not mixed synthetically".. even though they're often the exact same chemical soup, regardless. Chemicals are chemicals are chemicals. Everything in existence is a soup of chemicals. The Organic lobby is a multi-billion dollar industry that spends a lot of money telling us these "natural chemicals" are somehow inherently superior to "not natural" chemicals.
     The bias is confronted when we accept nature as inherently unhealthy; (for every healthy green food growing in the ground there's also a generally toxic counterpart.. from rhubarb greens to cashew pods to poison ivy) Nature wants to nourish you, but mostly it wants to kill you. The continued investment and lobby in "organic industry" becomes problematic when only affluent and food secure people practice it, as is done. "Organic" farming practices are often less efficient and generally more carbon intensive than conventional, which matters when 1 in 7 human beings are still food insecure today (who collectively can't pay higher prices for organic) and we aim to reach 9 billion by around 2052.
    If something exists, it's natural. Chemistry is natural. Labs are natural. Mixing chemicals in them is natural. Things made "synthetically" possible by labs are natural, because they exist in our natural world. Luckily, by mixing chemicals ourselves (and the genes chemicals bond to create) we can better test their inherent risks to us, and we do. "Organic food" development has no such safety testing standard. In comparison, a patent for a a seed made using genetic engineering takes nearly 7-10 years of rigorous testing and field trials and millions of dollars to get through safety standards and eventually onto the market.
     It's critical to understand that there is nothing natural about any of our foods, "organic" or not... we've selectively bred all the foods we eat over thousands and thousands of years to resemble crazy mutants we just so happen to find delicious... there are no giant tomatoes, broccoli, bananas or corn that occur naturally.. these were all created by us by editing genomes through selectively crossing species, picking for desired traits, various forms of mutagenesis, and others. If anything is "unnatural," it's arguably our ability to exploit plant seedlings in agriculture in the first place. It's time to get used to the idea that everything that exists in our natural world is, indeed, natural. 

On abolitionist vegans "forcing" others

I brought up human animals in my last post for this concept continuation here.. inspired again by a facebook post...
Oh, Facebook.
It's easier to understand violence against humans as human animals because we more easily empathize with violence against ourselves. It's a matter of perspective. Race, gender, and sexuality are much easier to internalize than the suffering of, say, rats.. bc we use concepts like race, gender, and sexuality to identify ourselves. It's personal.
My friend made a statement wherein she noted "I just can't empathize w the people who feel so strongly about their choices that they try to force them on everyone else." I find this incredibly telling.
This would describe the way some spoke/still speak about slavery abolition, the women's rights movement, recognition of transgender folks, BLM, etc... they were/are all philosophical movements that non-oppressed folks tried to explain as "forced" on them when seeing the issues as outside themselves. But for any person self-identfied in one of those groups, it's always phrased radically different than force... Why?
The problem these issues all shared is that we historically always made them about us, the privileged, not them the opressed. Our jobs, not immigrant lives... our morality, not trans kids lives... our cheap labor, not slaves free lives.. our economy, not poor folks healthcare.. it's always me, me, me.. never them.
I'd argue that vegan abolitionists aren't "forcing" anything on any of us in the slightest... the only real force is the steel bars and fences physically holding hundreds of millions of sentient lives in perpetual slavery.

A thought on militant veganism...

A friend of mine posted on FB today about how she finds some vegans in Seattle particularly ferocious.. speaking in terms it seemed about their ideology; and she ended up mentioning at the end of her post that she'd have a cheeseburger to that avail.. as if for self-care.
This seemed so incredibly harsh to me... I had to put my thoughts down on this today about why... why does a movement that's specifically about OTHERS always come back to our validation of it? Why do we work so hard at erasure of others feelings? Why me, me me.. vs them them them... Specifically when so many are dying horrific deaths (both non-human animal, and humans alike)?
My thoughts continue..
It's critical to understand difference here in understanding why some seem militant about a cause, while we might not.
I preface by noting that it's in many ways unfair for me to equate non-human animal rights liberation to something like human rights liberation, because every struggle is experienced uniquely by those oppressed... so I can't, for example, compare CAFOs directly to the halocaust, because that acts as erasure; the halocaust was uniquely about the systemic murder and eradication of Jewish ppl (and other oppressed uniquly human ethnicities at that time like queer ppl). That being said.. abolitionist vegans or animal activists often identified as vegan see and feel and experience many similarities in the way humans oppress certain non-human animals with violence, to the way we also oppress certain human populations with violence.
So, abolitionist vegans fight for the rights of all animals (human and non-human alike) similarly to the way we think about Antifa fighting fascism or BLM fighting white supremacy. It's a very real ongoing daily war to them bc it's incredibly fucking personal. Much like race and class wars are very real to the people they uniquely oppress; we hear you.. solidarity can be found in this inherent violence.
I don't feel I can speak to this struggle the same way abolitionist women vegans of color can.. they really lead much of the way on this; but it does speak volumes to me about how solidarity can help fuel this incredible need for empathy.
Not everyone can wrap their mind around black violent experience or non-human animal violent experience.. we can instead always try to find modes of solidarity to try our best to listen and empathize alongside others struggles... we so desperately need to look outside ourselves in this way. We find commonality in veganism as we are ALL animals who can all uniquely suffer. I hope this shared perspective works to bring us together as abolishionist veganism grows. None of us are free until we're all free.