Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Hard times, new beginnings...

Hello everybody :)

I haven't written in a long while, but I think it's time to start this up again.
I experienced a painful separation with a very close long-time partner a week and a half ago, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with myself or my pain right now.

It hurts incredibly deep knowing I failed someone I love with all my heart.

My partner and I recently started doing couples counseling together a couple times a month, and after only a few sessions, serious issues surfaced and began to really hit the fan unavoidably. Things he had been stating and re-stating for a long time and that I had ignored over and over again. I see it so clearly now that I've been held responsible for my inappropriate actions, and lack of respecting boundaries.

I made a very poor decision, I over-reacted, I walked away from him when he needed me the most, and I drove him away one time too many that night.
Within an evening my world changed when he told me he couldn't take anymore, and didn't feel he could trust me anymore. He needed it to be over.

This has been one of the hardest, longest weeks of my life. It's hard to come to terms with reality. It's hard to let go. It's hard to live with regret. It's hard to look him in the eyes and apologize for something I caused that hurt him for so so very long.

In the meantime I've been working alongside a newly found personal counselor at Seattle Counseling Service for self-improvement since Mid-January, just weeks before this incident. I've known I need a lot of work to change. I'm finally starting down that pathway again.

I also continue with my second quarter back full-time taking classes at Seattle Central Community College.
It's been a blessing to have a partner so helpful and supportive in every way imaginable during my transition out of the work force and into school.

It's been especially rough this last week without being able to cuddle him when I feel insecure and hurt at night. I miss being in his arms. I miss him being my Top.
I know It's my fault this came to pass. :(

Right now I feel very stuck, lost, and even amongst close friends; very alone.
I feel ashamed that I've caused him pain, yet I want so much to have a second chance. I love him beyond words. His smile, his brain, his heart, his humor, his hugs, his lap, his drive, his friendship, his eyes, his love of cute kittens. They're all so incredibly meaningful and appreciated. I'm so very lucky to have had him in my life the last 3 and a half years. He's always been there for me no matter what. He means the world. I wish I could find out how to make up for this deficit of mine. I wish I could treat him fairly and with the same amount of appreciation and self-sacrifice.
I hope one day I might earn the opportunity again to try.

One of the better ideas I've embraced (in addition to professional help and talking amongst my small network of very understanding and supportive friends) is to write about my thoughts here to get them out into the open; both for my own personal clarity, and also for those of you I'm often neglecting and unable to effectively connect with during my selfish days, and this very difficult time in my life.

I've gotten rather self-involved in my pain, and I think that's partially good in terms of reflection, but otherwise it's very unhelpful to those close to me who deserve my friendship and non-judgmental caring and companionship.

Beyond my self-involvement, I'm coming to realize more and more (despite a long held and clearly stated partners boundaries) that this isolationism has also played into a deeply rooted codependent relationship that I've foolishly and selfishly shaped into an unhealthy and often manipulative crutch for me often more than for "we".
I use this crutch to often put my own needs before others, particularly my partners.
I've turned away from him when he needed me, and I feel awful about it. I honestly didn't set out to do any of what I did. I'm not sure where I lost control.

Upon reflection of my actions over the last year or so I've come to the conclusion that I've essentially driven one of my most loved and cherished friends, partners, and lovers to the breaking point.

I can't think for one second how I could have been so foolish, ungrateful, and petty. I don't know why I evaded almost every piece of feedback and all the clearly-stated requests. I'd like to think I'm a better person than I have been. I haven't been at my best, and I feel rotten.

I'm sitting here thinking "I know that I can and will get better. I can get better for me, and for my friends, and for my partners sake."
This is my goal. I know I can do it.. It's just going to be a very bumpy and sobering trip to the finish line.

I've done some awful things lately; including me abandoning close friends of many years, walking out unreasonably on loved ones, and betraying the trust of those most important to me.

Quite frankly, this behavior of mine makes me sick to my stomach.
I've never set out to hurt anyone, and yet, I've successfully hurt many of those closest and most dear to me.
I've experienced some awfully painful consequences because of my actions.

I feel as if I'm living life with my eyes shut tight. I want to change. I need to. I want to be better. I have to be.
I plan to open my eyes fully, and love and respect and show concern for those I care most about.
I want to be a happy healthy person to be around and I want to treat others in a happy and healthy way as well. Always. No if's and's, or but's included.
I have legitimate weaknesses, but I need to own them and take charge. No one else can start this healing process but me.

I want to get to the bottom of things and find out why I'm treating others disrespectfully. I need to treat this sickness. I want to be a good person.

I want to explain with certainty why these shortcomings occur in me, and how to replace them with healthy alternatives.
I hope to eventually find answers to these deeper questions, and pave a path through regret to a brighter tomorrow with friends and loved ones alongside me, working as a team.

Sometimes we just don't know how to deal. We hurt others. I've hurt others. I own every part of the blame.
We push people away. I've pushed people away.
We learn from others. I've learned from others; while often taking in meaningful habits, but also some very shitty and backward skills that halt communication.

As far as my personal history goes, I've learned to endure and reflect back emotional pain and betrayal from a very young age within my own family unit.

From a very young age my father (a alcoholic and pedophile) taught me to be afraid. He taught me to cope alone. He taught me to hurt others. He taught me to not trust. He taught me to hate myself. He taught me to lie. He taught me how to manipulate. He taught me how to be selfish. He taught me how to abuse. He taught me to give up, and he taught me to put others needs below my own.

My challenge now is to not repeat this hideous cycle. I see these traits reflecting in myself and I know I need to change the hurt and the pain I feel into empathy and understanding. I can't keep the hurt going. I can't always make it about me. I need to change it. I need to own it. I need to be better and healthier.

I propose a system of goals.
This is my first goal.

#1. To try to be less hypercritical:

A few days ago (while staying at a good friends house), I decided to heat up some delicious leftover pasta salad she had made for me. My host handed me a clear microwave safe lid saying "here's a cover for your food."
Instead of thankfully saying "thanks!" For her suggested offer and wish for me to help effectively maintain her personal space (in this case, a well-cared for microwave) I blurted out, as if I (her overnight guest) was a more important decision-maker inside her own home; that "I don't need it because I'm only going to microwave for a mere minute."

I recognized within seconds of saying this back to her, that for no reason other than being oppositional, I chose to ignore and defy her personal wishes in her own space (her own home) and risked alienating our trust and established boundaries in future situations there.

This isn't okay.

In fact, what I did was rather pathetic considering I drew a line in respecting her wishes and boundaries over a fucking microwavable plate cover.
That's just downright foolish of someone to even fathom doing; yet I've developed a knack for abusing power like this no matter how petty or small, pretty much everywhere I go. I'm not at all proud of it.

Why did I say it?
Probably because I use stupid situations to exert power over others; trying to make up for my lack of self love. *sigh*
I think I have issues with self esteem.

Why do I attempt to use petty power struggles over others?
I'm probably lacking in self-worth.

My behavior is not helping, and never will help me become closer to others.
Being selfish is blocking me from growing.
Being hypercritical is dysfunctional and not in any way proactive.

I propose a change.
I want to work on this problem personally from within, and I also ask any readers to also call me out on it when apparent.

I will heal. One day at a time.
I love you all so much.

Thanks for reading. *Hugs* <3