Wednesday, August 26, 2015

The Best Yelp Review I've Ever Read!!

This is a copy and paste yelp review from a chicks visit to the Snoqualmie Casino seafood buffet.
Just so good I had to repost it :) ------->    
"(docked a star cuz the line took forever and a day)

Sunday was King Crab buffet night at the Snoqualmie Casino (regularly priced at $34.95 per person). With a combination of coupons, card points, and discounts, I calculated that a king crab buffet gorge for two people would come out to a grand total of $12.95. Total steal!

As the proud offspring of an extremely large first-generation Asian family, I have been trained from birth to take full advantage of an all-you-can-eat buffet in the most economical way. So on that lovely Sunday evening, my buffet routine went a little like this:

(1) Stop eating the night before. This applies for buffet breakfasts, brunches, lunches, and YES- dinners, on the following day. You may ingest some water if your stomach acids start acting up to the point of moderate discomfort.

(2) Drive to buffet. Pay cashier.

(3) Quickly scan the layout of the buffet area, and identify the seafood section. You will NOT dare to even LOOK at the other food choices available, as they are most likely carbo-loaded inexpensive "filler" foods, intended to trick you.

(4) However, do load up on a plate of desserts to begin with. Because, if you do your buffet-ing right, there is no way you will enjoy it after your hefty meal.

(5) Request a table that has an unobstructed, direct path to the king crab booth.

(6) If beverages are complimentary (which they usually are), skip and ask for water instead. Carbonated, sugary beverages are a sly tactic to get customers to fill up on cheap liquids and eat less. You will not fall for this!

(7) Pick up a plate of king crab. Devour.

(8) Repeat Step 7 until your body starts showing strong signs of rejection (inability to swallow, shallow breathing, desire to vomit).

(9) Crawl out and call it a night.

Now, as I was happily getting into my third plate of delicious, meaty crab leg, a teenage girl and her parents sat down in the booth next to us. Apparently, they were buffet virgins, as I overheard the father explaining to the two women what a buffet was. "No one is coming to serve you", he said to his disappointed daughter. "You have to get up and take a plate, and you can get whatever you want, okay?". The girl sighed, got up, and came back....with two slices of pizza. I openly rolled my eyes in disgust. When the waiter came over to offer her a complimentary beverage, she refused and whined for a chocolate milkshake until her parents forked out $3.75 for one. Inconceivable! I murmured to JL, "Si fuera mi hija (if that were my daughter)...PASH!*". Smack the daughter for consuming carbohydrates at a seafood buffet, smack the mother for raising her daughter wrong.

When I have children, I will purposely malnutrition them so that they can get the child's buffet price for a few extra years. I will burn their Pokemon cards and Hello Kitty pencil boxes if they dare to eat on the day of a buffet. And if they do not eat their money's worth, I am leaving them unattended at a Chuck-E-Cheese, with zero tokens and no cell phone. They shall learn, the hard way. But they shall learn.

That is all.

* PASH [n.]: the sound of a chancla (sandal) as it hits the wrongdoer upside the head, usually to teach a lesson."
Omg, this woman is amazing.

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