Sunday, July 3, 2011
I'm in a difficult place today
It aches deep inside today. Why?
I said some extreme things. I felt so misunderstood. So upset!
I said I didn't want to be around him anymore. I told him I hope he succumbs to all the aches and pains he tells me about. I told him I didn't care anymore.
Why does he seem to care so much about me when I find so little to care about inside him anymore? His undying acceptance of me isn't making it any easier to move on. I want him to hold me accountable if I'm being out of line. Not surrender. Why, when he doesn't really respect a lot of what I value?..or what I believe in? Why doesn't he get that we are so completely different? He says so everyday indirectly. Not to "Julie" but to most of my core beliefs as a naturalist indirectly in conversation. He literally thinks some of what I believe and follow as a lifestyle choice is complete nonsense. How am I supposed to ultimately feel about that? *sigh*
I hurt inside being there beside him.. hearing him say he knows for certain how he's going to eventually die one day. It tears little holes in my heart.
I hurt inside being away from the warmth and protection in his arms.
I hurt knowing I was maybe supposed to end this a long time ago, instead of "leading" him on much longer than needed... only further reinforcing that humanity is shit. Am I right to keep trying? When do I end this so neither of us has to be more sad?
Since when did having fuck buddies become so damn complicated and drama-ridden?
What happened to the single independent me?
I used to convince myself quite easily that I could and should be done with the intimate parts of partner that wasn't quite right for me. I could come to terms with needing to move on when the time was right.
This time it's just different. He says he loves me, and he seems to mean it. I feel numb. I don't know where all these reciprocal feelings are supposed to come from anymore. I can;t dig up anything in return when so much hope dwindles like mine has the last few months. Not when the negativity and the lack of self-respect on his end never really seems to falter.
For the first time in a long time I want to drink hard alcohol alone. I want to numb the feeling.
Why can't I stop thinking about him? I get so upset hearing the negative comments. I want to care. I want to care so badly! Anytime I try to open up my heart I feel it slowly trampled downward into hiding again. I want to help, and I want HIS help.. but ultimately that's not my place is it? We aren't supposed to want to change the people we love, right? Well, I for one can't stand the bitterness. I can't take much more. The warnings helped me understand in the beginning, but dealing is another story.
All I see is a constant piece of work in him sometimes. Persistent life/health/financial/physical problems left by the wayside... and a general lack of concern for fixing the majority of these major issues until I try to butt in and start suggesting change.. or straight up start nagging and pleading with him about it... being very serious and asking uncomfortable questions and being very serious about wanting to see an eventual change. BEING A TRULY CONCERNED FRIEND! .. all this just to maintain some level of sanity while hanging out with him so I don't feel like I need to walk out of the door every time he makes some rash comment about the stupidity of humanity and his incurable health issues and the hopelessness in the political system. It all makes my head want to explode.
If only we were "dumbed" down and didn't care about more important issues.. maybe we would both be the happiest friends and lovers in the word without sincere communication and sharing of feelings?
*sigh* I should probably be out at a bar trying to meet new people tonight instead of continuing this silly game... but socializing often feels like far too much effort these days. The internet is my solace lately.
Does something magically change at 25/26? Do people generally turn into bitter old angry people then?
My last date with someone new from my usual online dating world was in September of last year. September! That was a 9 months ago.. the night I broke my foot. No new dates since. Good lord. Where did I go? Well, I'll try to explain...
I met *him* a few weeks after the injury. I couldn't put much weight on my foot just yet, and my Ex girlfriend had invited me to a bar away from the hill. He had offered to pick me up in his huge car and take me down and back up the hill. A very sweet gesture considering he had never met me before that night.
We clicked rather quickly. He smiled all the time.. something I immediately connect with and love about people. He turned out to be a super brilliant guy too. He was kinky. Sweet. Attractive. Kind. Super nerdy. I was in love. (in a suspicious Julie sort of way of course... but head over heels regardless)
Within a few days we were hanging out at my place and cuddling together in my bed. He seemed so genuinely into me.. it was extremely flattering. We talked innocently about anything and everything. Things flowed well. I loved that he wanted to be close.
He said something quite startling that first night we spent together. He had been rubbing his hands slowly around the line of my panties, and I had teasingly brushed his hand away when they started to enter inside them. Immediately following my reaction he said "did someone drop you on your head when you were little?" ...I was extremely taken back and hurt. There was silence for several minutes as I held back tears and the anger screaming in my mind while laying silently next to him.
"Should I kick him out?"
"Should I question his thought processes incase he somehow misspoke?!
"Should I be scared that he might get more angry?"
"Is he just completely inept with words while in bed with a girl, and didn't really mean it to sound bad?!?"
God, I couldn't fathom anything but complete hurtfulness.
Eventually I uttered how hurt and confused his words had made me feel, and he quickly apologized. My anxiety and anger around his comment that night was still very active, but I took him at his word that he didn't really mean it, and tried pushing it back in my mind so I could enjoy this long-awaited cuddling session. He seemed nothing but kind for the rest of the night.
Looking back it was very disturbing to hear... it was not in a joking tone; rather a very dark and serious one. Regardless, it was probably the most bizarre and angering moment I have ever had directed toward me while cuddling with someone in my 25 years. This was my very first negative encounter with him.
It was soon after this incident that some friends of his mentioned that he had quite the negative demeanor a lot of the time. That he "means well, but comes across rather rude and insensitive until you got to really know him a bit better." This eased my confusion over the outrageous comment from the night earlier.
I made a point in my head to expect this awkwardness from him more frequently.. but now with decidedly MORE communication from me directly following the event. I wanted to alert him when he had spoken rather socially inappropriate so he could be aware of it and avoid saying it in the future. And so this pattern started.
In the beginning I kept high hopes that if I invested positively in his time and helped seek out deeper meaning in our situations together, I might eventually delve deeper into the cause for some of these very rash comments. Maybe then I could find more emphasis in his warm loving soul waiting to get out of an apparently hardened shell.
Eventually we got to trust one-another with intimacy again, and the sex we began having was amazing. I had found someone dominant and willing to experiment in the realms of age play and daddy/daughter with me! I loved him cumming inside me. I loved when he threatening to fuck my ass. I loved his soft hands and his never-ending snuggles. He would absolutely worship my body for hours, and then be ready to fuck me day and night.. over and over again however I wanted it. I was in heaven. I found a certain bliss I had been yearning for in a lover and a friend. After testing we were fluid bound, and I felt like I was coming home to a safe loved place, and I didn't want it to stop. It felt wonderful. Intimacy with him was now only a positive space.
Sure we had our differences like anyone else, but underneath he was such a kind, loving man.. I had a very hard time holding any of his "old stuck in the mud" habits and picky behaviors against him. He had been single for years so I tried not to hold too much against him. Bachelors develop bad habits along with the rest of us as we all know.
I started telling him what I expected him and us to work on while being in an intimate partnership together. He disliked a lot of my initial demands like not shaving anything anymore and Misc other things.. but I told him I needed them to feel aroused and comfortable, and he catered. It was very sweet of him.
I eventually got a little more concerned.. I intervened more as time went on and insisted on helping him do a little self-maintenance on attitude and generally acceptable word phrasing as well. Things that read respect instead of control. He didn't like some of what I had to say, and outright denied much of what I was worried about to begin with.. but in the end he said he always wanted to see me happy. He was very willing to adjust to most things in the end for ME... which I thought a bit odd, but better than nothing. I had hoped he would want to personally change to better habits for HIMSELF and for future partners... but he never really stated his reasoning that way. I did love him for trying. I just yearned for him to take some of the initiative himself someday. I still do. I didn't want to be a nag anymore!! A concerned friend perhaps, but not his mom. I know it was probably never really my place to want to "change him".. but I was not feeling comfortable around some of the things we would say, and for personal comfort I needed them to stop.
Alongside my actions to want to help him, he also graciously helped me find a mindful control of some personal pressing issues too. I have a long-held fear of commitment, and he was very kind to help ease some of my fear surrounding that area. I also have a history of abuses in my childhood, and he was very very considerate to listen and offer support as I talked about my past and my feelings on the present having conquered and still learning to conquer the painful memories surrounding it. I am forever grateful.
This sort of frustration, however, the kind surrounding socially unacceptable behaviors, and what I considered just very rude behavior in conversation is with me some nine months later up to today. I have a guess that he cares for me, but rarely enough for himself to say these demeaning comments so often. It's also very hard to care deeply for him when I see a consistent lack of effort day in and day out. Only when I ask him to change things or re-evaluate options will he often approach an important subject like finances or health issues... never really for himself though. I never see it. I never see his pride! He should have so much! He's an amazingly bright, funny and lovable person. He just never really seems self-motivated. I just don't understand why... and it bugs me to this day.
In time I started to feel like a bit of a nagging wife. I started to try caring less. I didn't see a point in caring so deeply when only *I* seemed to regularly announce a brighter possible outcome. I needed him to see it too... but it never seemed to materialize that way in his mind. It was as if he had a thick pair of sunglasses on at any given moment, and could never see the beauty in the world nearly to the clarity that I saw it. It's upsetting to feel so differently. To have such different world views is hard to cope with. To have such different priorities, and to favor beauty and darkness in such different things in life.
I started to lose a lot of hope in him.. and the same eventually came of my confidence in our relationship together. Every time he told me he had lost hope in something, I lost a tiny bit of hope in us as well. I asked more about his feelings, and the more confused I became. I started to not want to hear it anymore. I started to slowly back away. I wanted to hear only optimism... not, "I tried already."
Eventually I felt I couldn't invest in a sexual relationship anymore. I felt I would be lying to both of us if we continued to join together on such an intimate level. Sure, we both loved the physical intimacy... but inside I didn't like what he stood for. I hated that he didn't care about so many important things. I hated that he was always so skeptical about things. I hated that he lacked compassion and empathy. I hated that he thought much of my core beliefs were based on "snake oil." I hated that he doesn't get very into politics, and that he couldn't describe his feelings for his parents to me, or explain to me why he never chose to learn to cook, or tell me about his feelings surrounding earlier trauma in his childhood... similar to my own. I hated that he didn't feel in sync with the earth, and that he had never seemed to look inside himself for answers. I hated that he was so overly critical of doctors and children and what television represented... and that he was so ridiculously critical of his clothing and his eating patterns and his material possessions. I hated the bitterness. I hated the mess. Ugh. I started to just hate him. I was having a hard time finding any of my optimism anymore. Was I becoming who I hung with? Was I just as critical? *shakes fist*
I began feeling weighed down. I was having a hard time finding clarity around much of our deeper and personally motivated conversations together. I felt after so much I was always, always, ALWAYS eventually hitting a big brick wall with him, no matter what the topic was.
Was this MY problem? MY issue? Always wanting *him* to change? Was I right in wanting to stray from someone who chose such a different life path? I guess there are no easy answers.. only feelings. Fucking girl parts. In the end I just want to be happy.
Why doesn't he walk beside me on the street? Why does he almost always walk ten feet behind me until I ask him to catch up to me?
This and other things seem so awkward to me.. almost disrespectful. I've never encountered someone who does so many of these quirky things. He says he can't. He says we can't walk fast enough to catch up. What am I to do with a comment like that?
I can't help but feel that his comment on the walking pattern behind me is less of a physical statement, and more of a metaphorical one. Are we on separate paths?
I have a hard time seeing any drive in him anymore.. no personal strive for better and happier. Is this depression? Is this me being overly critical? All I know is I feel numb. I can't try anymore if it's only going to be mostly one-sided. I want to just take the easy way out... give up for now... end it.. throw it away and forget about it ever possibly going anywhere.
It hurts though. I do care... as much as I fucking hate so much about him. I see a good man underneath all that both comforts me and agonizes me.
Why is this so much more difficult than anything I've done intimately with others in the past? Why can't I just find someone more normal? Am I just as weird?
For now I guess I'll forgo that shot of vodka... I'm tired now. I just want to be happy again. I want to be understood. I want to feel justified and respected. I want to have a lover who loves and cares for himself..and who takes the time each day to renew and define respect for his body mind and spirit.
I hope I can eventually find the answers. I hope things eventually start to make some ounce of sense between us... even if that is separation. I just want to be happy, and more importantly I want to see HIM be happy... not with me.. but within.
Goodnight for now.
Let our sweetest of dreams renew us.. <3