What am I looking for?

This is a screenshot of my last okcupid message written a moment ago. I liked my description today. The correspondent asked me to describe what I was seeking on the site. My answer as always? Friendship. <3

A new year, some new thoughts..

Has veganism become any easier these last three years? Not especially. How does one teach empathy? It's beyond me. There's talk of starting a veg/kinky meet-u group, but I've been in loose communication with the party interested. Now that I have a larger place to host I might just be able to make something materialize. I love it here. The boys have really become family the last few months. I can look out over the city and feel a sense of calm even when alone.... just looking out on all the thousands down there. It's nice. Next up: College. Lets make this happen. <3

She's lost control again

"Breathe out
So I can breathe you in
Hold you in

And now
I know you've always been
And out of your head out of my head I sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang"

- "Everlong"

-----------------------------------------------------

I don't know if I want any of this with you anymore. I can't seem to meet you halfway, and it's so frustrating.

After all you've done I still feel unfulfilled.
You've given a great deal of yourself to me. You hugged me and loved me when I needed it most, and you were always there for me when I really needed you. You're an amazing person for that. Especially when you found us a counselor.


I want to be a friend, but I can't seem to find a middle ground now.
Once "love" was involved it changed the way I felt forever. In many ways.


It was the most amazing thing to feel so close and so cared for, but it ultimately drove me crazy somehow. An emotional roller-coaster I can't seem to slow down.

I can't seem to sort out my needs, and I shouldn't have pulled you into my web.

This fear of commitment is my ickiest of issues, and I'm sorry for involving you so deeply in it. I should have been more careful... and have kept my distance like I do with everyone else I start to care very deeply for.
It's the only way I know how to be a good person.

I loved what we had together, but all I feel is bitterness now.
I don't feel understood.

You're better off without these limitless demands I carry around. Stay true to yourself, because you're a really amazing, smart and thoughtful person underneath it all, and that makes you a really fucking cool human being.


I'm sorry I can't be more understanding. Maybe one day I'll learn to be.
I do love the real you, even though I don't know how to express it anymore.
You deserve only the very best kind of love in the future.

- Julie

I'm in a difficult place today

It aches deep inside today. Why?

I said some extreme things. I felt so misunderstood. So upset!

I said I didn't want to be around him anymore. I told him I hope he succumbs to all the aches and pains he tells me about. I told him I didn't care anymore.

Why does he seem to care so much about me when I find so little to care about inside him anymore? His undying acceptance of me isn't making it any easier to move on. I want him to hold me accountable if I'm being out of line. Not surrender. Why, when he doesn't really respect a lot of what I value?..or what I believe in? Why doesn't he get that we are so completely different? He says so everyday indirectly. Not to "Julie" but to most of my core beliefs as a naturalist indirectly in conversation. He literally thinks some of what I believe and follow as a lifestyle choice is complete nonsense. How am I supposed to ultimately feel about that? *sigh*

I hurt inside being there beside him.. hearing him say he knows for certain how he's going to eventually die one day. It tears little holes in my heart.

I hurt inside being away from the warmth and protection in his arms.

I hurt knowing I was maybe supposed to end this a long time ago, instead of "leading" him on much longer than needed... only further reinforcing that humanity is shit. Am I right to keep trying? When do I end this so neither of us has to be more sad?

Since when did having fuck buddies become so damn complicated and drama-ridden?

What happened to the single independent me?

I used to convince myself quite easily that I could and should be done with the intimate parts of partner that wasn't quite right for me. I could come to terms with needing to move on when the time was right.

This time it's just different. He says he loves me, and he seems to mean it. I feel numb. I don't know where all these reciprocal feelings are supposed to come from anymore. I can;t dig up anything in return when so much hope dwindles like mine has the last few months. Not when the negativity and the lack of self-respect on his end never really seems to falter.

For the first time in a long time I want to drink hard alcohol alone. I want to numb the feeling.
Why can't I stop thinking about him? I get so upset hearing the negative comments. I want to care. I want to care so badly! Anytime I try to open up my heart I feel it slowly trampled downward into hiding again. I want to help, and I want HIS help.. but ultimately that's not my place is it? We aren't supposed to want to change the people we love, right? Well, I for one can't stand the bitterness. I can't take much more. The warnings helped me understand in the beginning, but dealing is another story.

All I see is a constant piece of work in him sometimes. Persistent life/health/financial/physical problems left by the wayside... and a general lack of concern for fixing the majority of these major issues until I try to butt in and start suggesting change.. or straight up start nagging and pleading with him about it... being very serious and asking uncomfortable questions and being very serious about wanting to see an eventual change. BEING A TRULY CONCERNED FRIEND! .. all this just to maintain some level of sanity while hanging out with him so I don't feel like I need to walk out of the door every time he makes some rash comment about the stupidity of humanity and his incurable health issues and the hopelessness in the political system. It all makes my head want to explode.

If only we were "dumbed" down and didn't care about more important issues.. maybe we would both be the happiest friends and lovers in the word without sincere communication and sharing of feelings?

*sigh* I should probably be out at a bar trying to meet new people tonight instead of continuing this silly game... but socializing often feels like far too much effort these days. The internet is my solace lately.

Does something magically change at 25/26? Do people generally turn into bitter old angry people then?
My last date with someone new from my usual online dating world was in September of last year. September! That was a 9 months ago.. the night I broke my foot. No new dates since. Good lord. Where did I go? Well, I'll try to explain...

I met *him* a few weeks after the injury. I couldn't put much weight on my foot just yet, and my Ex girlfriend had invited me to a bar away from the hill. He had offered to pick me up in his huge car and take me down and back up the hill. A very sweet gesture considering he had never met me before that night.

We clicked rather quickly. He smiled all the time.. something I immediately connect with and love about people. He turned out to be a super brilliant guy too. He was kinky. Sweet. Attractive. Kind. Super nerdy. I was in love. (in a suspicious Julie sort of way of course... but head over heels regardless)

Within a few days we were hanging out at my place and cuddling together in my bed. He seemed so genuinely into me.. it was extremely flattering. We talked innocently about anything and everything. Things flowed well. I loved that he wanted to be close.

He said something quite startling that first night we spent together. He had been rubbing his hands slowly around the line of my panties, and I had teasingly brushed his hand away when they started to enter inside them. Immediately following my reaction he said "did someone drop you on your head when you were little?" ...I was extremely taken back and hurt. There was silence for several minutes as I held back tears and the anger screaming in my mind while laying silently next to him.
"Should I kick him out?"
"Should I question his thought processes incase he somehow misspoke?!
"Should I be scared that he might get more angry?"
Or...
"Is he just completely inept with words while in bed with a girl, and didn't really mean it to sound bad?!?"
God, I couldn't fathom anything but complete hurtfulness.

Eventually I uttered how hurt and confused his words had made me feel, and he quickly apologized. My anxiety and anger around his comment that night was still very active, but I took him at his word that he didn't really mean it, and tried pushing it back in my mind so I could enjoy this long-awaited cuddling session. He seemed nothing but kind for the rest of the night.
Looking back it was very disturbing to hear... it was not in a joking tone; rather a very dark and serious one. Regardless, it was probably the most bizarre and angering moment I have ever had directed toward me while cuddling with someone in my 25 years. This was my very first negative encounter with him.

It was soon after this incident that some friends of his mentioned that he had quite the negative demeanor a lot of the time. That he "means well, but comes across rather rude and insensitive until you got to really know him a bit better." This eased my confusion over the outrageous comment from the night earlier.

I made a point in my head to expect this awkwardness from him more frequently.. but now with decidedly MORE communication from me directly following the event. I wanted to alert him when he had spoken rather socially inappropriate so he could be aware of it and avoid saying it in the future. And so this pattern started.

In the beginning I kept high hopes that if I invested positively in his time and helped seek out deeper meaning in our situations together, I might eventually delve deeper into the cause for some of these very rash comments. Maybe then I could find more emphasis in his warm loving soul waiting to get out of an apparently hardened shell.

Eventually we got to trust one-another with intimacy again, and the sex we began having was amazing. I had found someone dominant and willing to experiment in the realms of age play and daddy/daughter with me! I loved him cumming inside me. I loved when he threatening to fuck my ass. I loved his soft hands and his never-ending snuggles. He would absolutely worship my body for hours, and then be ready to fuck me day and night.. over and over again however I wanted it. I was in heaven. I found a certain bliss I had been yearning for in a lover and a friend. After testing we were fluid bound, and I felt like I was coming home to a safe loved place, and I didn't want it to stop. It felt wonderful. Intimacy with him was now only a positive space.

Sure we had our differences like anyone else, but underneath he was such a kind, loving man.. I had a very hard time holding any of his "old stuck in the mud" habits and picky behaviors against him. He had been single for years so I tried not to hold too much against him. Bachelors develop bad habits along with the rest of us as we all know.
I started telling him what I expected him and us to work on while being in an intimate partnership together. He disliked a lot of my initial demands like not shaving anything anymore and Misc other things.. but I told him I needed them to feel aroused and comfortable, and he catered. It was very sweet of him.

I eventually got a little more concerned.. I intervened more as time went on and insisted on helping him do a little self-maintenance on attitude and generally acceptable word phrasing as well. Things that read respect instead of control. He didn't like some of what I had to say, and outright denied much of what I was worried about to begin with.. but in the end he said he always wanted to see me happy. He was very willing to adjust to most things in the end for ME... which I thought a bit odd, but better than nothing. I had hoped he would want to personally change to better habits for HIMSELF and for future partners... but he never really stated his reasoning that way. I did love him for trying. I just yearned for him to take some of the initiative himself someday. I still do. I didn't want to be a nag anymore!! A concerned friend perhaps, but not his mom. I know it was probably never really my place to want to "change him".. but I was not feeling comfortable around some of the things we would say, and for personal comfort I needed them to stop.

Alongside my actions to want to help him, he also graciously helped me find a mindful control of some personal pressing issues too. I have a long-held fear of commitment, and he was very kind to help ease some of my fear surrounding that area. I also have a history of abuses in my childhood, and he was very very considerate to listen and offer support as I talked about my past and my feelings on the present having conquered and still learning to conquer the painful memories surrounding it. I am forever grateful.

This sort of frustration, however, the kind surrounding socially unacceptable behaviors, and what I considered just very rude behavior in conversation is with me some nine months later up to today. I have a guess that he cares for me, but rarely enough for himself to say these demeaning comments so often. It's also very hard to care deeply for him when I see a consistent lack of effort day in and day out. Only when I ask him to change things or re-evaluate options will he often approach an important subject like finances or health issues... never really for himself though. I never see it. I never see his pride! He should have so much! He's an amazingly bright, funny and lovable person. He just never really seems self-motivated. I just don't understand why... and it bugs me to this day.

In time I started to feel like a bit of a nagging wife. I started to try caring less. I didn't see a point in caring so deeply when only *I* seemed to regularly announce a brighter possible outcome. I needed him to see it too... but it never seemed to materialize that way in his mind. It was as if he had a thick pair of sunglasses on at any given moment, and could never see the beauty in the world nearly to the clarity that I saw it. It's upsetting to feel so differently. To have such different world views is hard to cope with. To have such different priorities, and to favor beauty and darkness in such different things in life.

I started to lose a lot of hope in him.. and the same eventually came of my confidence in our relationship together. Every time he told me he had lost hope in something, I lost a tiny bit of hope in us as well. I asked more about his feelings, and the more confused I became. I started to not want to hear it anymore. I started to slowly back away. I wanted to hear only optimism... not, "I tried already."

Eventually I felt I couldn't invest in a sexual relationship anymore. I felt I would be lying to both of us if we continued to join together on such an intimate level. Sure, we both loved the physical intimacy... but inside I didn't like what he stood for. I hated that he didn't care about so many important things. I hated that he was always so skeptical about things. I hated that he lacked compassion and empathy. I hated that he thought much of my core beliefs were based on "snake oil." I hated that he doesn't get very into politics, and that he couldn't describe his feelings for his parents to me, or explain to me why he never chose to learn to cook, or tell me about his feelings surrounding earlier trauma in his childhood... similar to my own. I hated that he didn't feel in sync with the earth, and that he had never seemed to look inside himself for answers. I hated that he was so overly critical of doctors and children and what television represented... and that he was so ridiculously critical of his clothing and his eating patterns and his material possessions. I hated the bitterness. I hated the mess. Ugh. I started to just hate him. I was having a hard time finding any of my optimism anymore. Was I becoming who I hung with? Was I just as critical? *shakes fist*

I began feeling weighed down. I was having a hard time finding clarity around much of our deeper and personally motivated conversations together. I felt after so much I was always, always, ALWAYS eventually hitting a big brick wall with him, no matter what the topic was.

Was this MY problem? MY issue? Always wanting *him* to change? Was I right in wanting to stray from someone who chose such a different life path? I guess there are no easy answers.. only feelings. Fucking girl parts. In the end I just want to be happy.

Why doesn't he walk beside me on the street? Why does he almost always walk ten feet behind me until I ask him to catch up to me?
WHY?
This and other things seem so awkward to me.. almost disrespectful. I've never encountered someone who does so many of these quirky things. He says he can't. He says we can't walk fast enough to catch up. What am I to do with a comment like that?

I can't help but feel that his comment on the walking pattern behind me is less of a physical statement, and more of a metaphorical one. Are we on separate paths?

I have a hard time seeing any drive in him anymore.. no personal strive for better and happier. Is this depression? Is this me being overly critical? All I know is I feel numb. I can't try anymore if it's only going to be mostly one-sided. I want to just take the easy way out... give up for now... end it.. throw it away and forget about it ever possibly going anywhere.

It hurts though. I do care... as much as I fucking hate so much about him. I see a good man underneath all that both comforts me and agonizes me.

Why is this so much more difficult than anything I've done intimately with others in the past? Why can't I just find someone more normal? Am I just as weird?

For now I guess I'll forgo that shot of vodka... I'm tired now. I just want to be happy again. I want to be understood. I want to feel justified and respected. I want to have a lover who loves and cares for himself..and who takes the time each day to renew and define respect for his body mind and spirit.

I hope I can eventually find the answers. I hope things eventually start to make some ounce of sense between us... even if that is separation. I just want to be happy, and more importantly I want to see HIM be happy... not with me.. but within.

Goodnight for now.
Let our sweetest of dreams renew us.. <3

It's about time!!! .. Or perhaps, boobies?

It's most certainly the boobies. How could it be otherwise, really now?

Excitements! Planning to fly northwest to the San Juans tomorrow with my dear friend David in a rented plane from Boeing field. :) We'll plan to stay at his friends cabin on a tiny little island over the weekend, and take in the so-missed natures!

One fun trip up to the back-roads into Canada already this year... I'm excited to be out of town again so soon! And with a "friendly"-friend personally flying us out, this trip should be extra fun. Pics promised. This will be my first official flight out in a teeny-weeny winged-gravity monster. Yays!

I'm much up past my bedtime tonight, naughty me... but needed to report on the latest diet trends! (as they've been so incredibly insane the last year)...

I'm still very happily going the vegan route these days, save backyard chicken eggies. I have a wonderful lady very graciously supplying me, and I've personally met both of the lovely birdies... very happy chickedies who now grace my gluten-free breads with elasticity and rise! <3



I've recently (in the last 6 months) come to understand this gluten intolerance/allergy occurrence in very vivid personal detail.. I've developed more and more of an eye for this bizarre set of respiratory yuckies that so often creep up when I least expect them... (first so painfully recognized after porter/stout fulfillment's a few months back, and now more convincingly after most any pizza/burger/sandwich/or anything bread-like and late-night yummi'ed is consumed.. Hrrmp.)
The dreaded trip to the ol' doctors office for a blood test this Tuesday will hopefully reveal if I actually have the icky celiac disease diagnosis, or just a severe allergic response to everything in the world yummy. I'll update on that soon.

In the meantime... no tears, just veggie sushi!! My diet will be an ongoing battle, but I have faith that most all south-east Asian fare will get me by. :)



Capitol Hill and Seattle are amazingly proper in the "weird diet" management world, luckily... and living 50 feet from a Health food store has never felt quite so lovely. I have a wonderful farmers market a mere 6 blocks away every Sunday all summer long, and a plethora of close by dining-out options. I love my city oh so much!!!! It seems to equally love me back <3

To end... food porn! (of the animal-friendly variety of course.. at "In the Bowl" with David.. Mmmm's)

<3 you all so much! <3 <3 <3

Hello old Friend, Long time no see :)

Its been nearly a year now since I logged in and wrote to you here. It's good to be back, while with my return comes a major life shift.

Its odd how it always seems the pain is more likely to push me here than the good :) But, then again, If things are going relatively well, I guess I write my story out through positive social interaction, and the energy we exert in loving relationships. (A once-thriving threesome situation to be more accurate!!)

*sigh* Which leads me to this: I'm feeling quite confused and lonely lately.

I should note, that while I don't plan to take any past posts down from this site, I should (for other parties sake) make note that I'm no longer with my wonderful pink-haired vixen who I've come to love and adore for so long now.

She left me around a month and a half ago... literally telling me she was "Opting Out" of this relationship dynamic... from the three of us together in a triad situation.

My heart sunk that evening. Hearing those words. She had seemed dreadfully distant these last few weeks, but this? It was very unexpected.

I had to retreat to the bathroom then. My emotions were bubbling up inside me, but I was afraid to show them to her at this point. As dead as the world seemed to me those 45 mins shut into that little tomb... I couldn't help but remember the vibrant bathroom full of memories that I had come to associate.. complete with cute little butt slaps, and group showers, and carefree conversations. So many happy days.

Within a matter of minutes this colorful little room turned into an encapsulating funeral of sorts. I couldn't help but look around at all the adorable decor.. all the cute little odds and ends that I had come to smile at spontaneously over the last 2 years.. now slowly fading their magnificent colors to gray.

All lost. Never again. I couldn't help but repeat those words in my mind over and over again. Never again a random back-hug while we put our makeup on together, never again helping one another dress-up for the clubs, and never again a lighthearted shower conversation after we playfully romp around in the summer heat.

I couldn't make the tears stop.. they just kept flowing that evening... this emotion I rarely see. It poured like rain. All I could think to do was awkwardly pull my assigned bright orange toothbrush from it's little holder.. a nesting spot where it had called home aside theirs the last year, and I clutched it to my chest and shoved it down into my pocket. I was out. That stupid little toothbrush symbolizing much more than I wanted to grasp at the time.. an up-rooting.. what felt like the end.

He was there eventually. Consoling me. Telling me it was going to be okay. He wrote "I love you" on my hand when he came in to comfort me. It meant the world at that point. He still cared for me. He helped wipe away my tears. I eventually worked up the courage to walk outside into the living room, give her a hug, and leave that once-wonderful playground of an apartment and our joyous triad dream behind me.

This "Opting out" decision of hers hit me quite hard. She displayed the name of a new linked female partner of hers about 2 days later on a social-networking site.
My chest ached immeasurably seeing my name disappear.
It was a harsh reality seeing my name replaced with another so soon. There it was. Like I had never been there. I know my hurt around this change is completely irrational and unfair. Just because I can't move on as fast doesn't mean others aren't allowed to. But, all the same.. there it was. Official to the world... not just in my heart.

Fast forward about a month and a half.. and I'm much better now. I try not to be bitter.. or hurt, or angry. I know people change. I know life constantly morphs, and relationships with it. Letting go of my sweet wonderful girl emotionally has proved a really difficult task for me, but I can't forget for one second everything amazing about what we had together... it always makes me smile.

Far too many wonderful memories to be bitter about. She was a huge part of my blossoming social world since the spring of 08'... my new best friend, my cuddles, my lust and intense intimacy, and a good amount of my confidence the last 2 years of my existence. God, how I loved her. I'm so thankful to have shared what I did with such a wonderful person. As much as it hurts saying goodbye to it so abruptly.

With her, I truly started into the kink community in real life as we discovered the CSPC together outside the web, and I discovered countless new acquaintances through her friends, and all the time we spent together out meeting others. That meant the world to my shy reclusive ass. She helped open me up to an endless list of amazing opportunities.

There were so many countless casual nights spent lounging on that big old blue couch.. the three of us together.. just enjoying everyones company while doing our own thing. Being friends. Having that wonderful care-free companionship. Those are my fondest memories beside her. That and all those silly boardgames. :) Thinking about us shitting around casually.. doing the little things together, is the hardest kind of memory to part with.

While I'm still experiencing a great deal of emotion behind losing her, I know it will eventually take root into new opportunity and fade into time. But shit... it certainly is easier said than done. I guess I didn't quite realize just how much I had emotionally invested in her time, her trust, and her love and acceptance until one day it just seemed to "poof" out of existence.. and I suddenly found myself losing everything I love about her. Its true what they say.. that you never realize the magnitude of what you hold dear until it falls away.

I could write about her forever. The way the sunlight hit her beautiful eyes in the afternoon, her comforting smile, her soft touch, her beautiful heart. Our wonderful conversations we'd have late at night as we dozed off.. legs entwined together in bed. I loved every waking moment of our time together.. and while I'm accepting of her choice to move on, I'll always love her.

As my heart slowly mends itself, I know I'll pick my life back up.. and eventually find more amazing people to share my journey with. It's a long hard road, and if I ever find someone even half as amazing as her, it will be damn well worth every step.

Meanwhile, the other 3rd of our "ex-triad" (whom I now casually refer to as my boyfriend) still spends time with me off and on... we maintain a casual friendship... spending time with one-another about every week or so. He's been a wonderful friend, and an ear to my heart, and I love and appreciate him for putting up with my very somber self these past weeks.

I do hate that I'm so dramatic at times.. and I apologize.. especially now. Lately I've been nothing but one huge roller-coaster of emotional up and down and around and around again. (I luckily have my friends to thank for listening to all my venting and bitching and mindless babble through all hours of the day and night)<3

Again though, things are looking up, and I'm starting to see more light on the horizon... as some new friendships have come to blossom in my life recently. I'm excited for whats around the corner. The possibilities seem endless. I'll try my best to keep my heart open.

I care for you all so much. Everyone. I'm so blessed to have good friends around me who continually put up with my random BS, who lend an ear to my rants and raves, who always encourage me to do the right thing, and stick by me in the sticky spots. You make up my universe. You make me. I love you all forever. <3 More in time..

Cheap Thrills n' Nerdy Galore...

These last few months have been a relaxed bunch. Ive enjoyed these lazily... hence the lack of posts!! (all the more reason to punish me, right?) :p Ive had the opportunity to attend a lot of community activities alongside the absolutely stunning coming of spring... as well as Norwescon, Seattle Erotic Arts Festival, and a few other socially conscious gatherings!

My love life is going very well :).. with Cheri and Chris still both very much at my side, and some fun adventures we've enjoyed together since the Holidays. They've been wonderful to me, and I feel like we continue to grow closer... on that note... They gave me a key!! So I can go bother them anytime I like now WooHOO!! :)

Now... to continue this bloggie with pictures I will continue in fragments... (as I always do, of course) ... we all know how spacey I can get :p










After my interesting holiday Season.. my girlie got me a wonderful set of inter-locking restraints to play in... :) an awesome connecting set that you can switch out wrist/neck/ect.. as well as an adjustable spreader bar... awesome! I have been awaiting my first spreader bar for a few years now :) She sure knows how to please me.... I mean, when she doesn't have her lovely head between my legs.. hehe.. Mmmm. :p ...and with that in mind... we all decided to join the CSPC! (Cheri had her work pay for hers... how cruel!!?? hehe..) Seattles unique "Center for Sex Positive Culture," ... oh yes. A unique facility of kink, workshops, and toys galore... I am definitely a fan. We have gone to watch and play together a few times so far. (even got tickled once!!!) :) I'm glad to finally feel connected to the local kink scene this way. Ive already met some fun folks! We still need to all go together with our toys in hand someday... so far we've been a tad on the shy side :p Its in the works.







With the warmer weather my folks I support and I have been venturing out more and more! We've been to some fun spots including countless trips to Pikes Place Market, a delicious and amazingly cheap trip to Veg Fest where we got to sample hundreds of meat-free alternative type de-lish goodies, and The Cherry Blossom Festival!

Ive continued my cooking... and going mostly vegetarian/vegan these days as convenience wills. Heres my tofu Laab, and a Sweet and Sour Tofu dish I did recently. :p Mmmm.







Thats it... you want to come over and eat at Julies apartment... yes you do! ;p Muahahah!

On the more nerdy of notes.. Nick.. (my nerdy accomplice) accompanied me to Norwescon again this year :) I think we both had a lot of fun sinking into the geekdom again and while getting our own room too! Woot! ... the room parties were much more decent this year, although not as memorable as Radcons. We got to see boobies though... wasn't all bad :p But yes.. with larger cons come cliques, and with cliques come invite-only parties :p Yadda Yadda...
But, on the brighter note, we got to see some yummy hotness at a fetish fashion show, listened to some uniquely odd speakers (weirdest animals, and nanotechnology were rad panels), and got to hear all about naughty in the BDSM/poly gatherings. Aww, familiar faces. :) All of the kinky/nerdy overlap still amazes me.

Goodness, what else??? Went to an eventful weekend at Seattle Green Festival also. This was my first time at an event like this being personally hyped-up on local sustainability. I am starting to take some of this greeny stuffs quite seriously :) At least I want to be! (I have, for the most part, eliminated the majority of my chain store/ big time conglomerate superstar spending dollars, and instead buy locally as much as I can.)

The Green Fest went into a lot of different facets of green... from local and livable, to waste control, to population control... (my personally favorite subject..hehe).. to the latest electric scooters. (OMG, I want one!) ...Most of all I loved being around folks who share my values! :)

Was a fun weekend. Sampled some local fare, shopped some fun local vendors, heard a great speaker from the American Free-Trade Coalition, heard about joining a local potluck to meet some similar minded in the area, gathered some gardening tips, found out there is a large sustainable/orgainic farm in the middle of the city of Seattle, and heard a little more about how the city is planning to urbanize/co-populate in the upcoming years with the upcoming light-rail soon in place, and the ever-increasing condo contractors looking to build up the city in the future. It'll be interesting seeing what Seattle has in store for us all in 10-15 years. :) I'm optimistic.






Eric and I have also been getting along better. Hes one of the beloved boys that moved here with me from Spokane. (or that I followed over, rather) We continue our Monday nights at Paddy Coynes every week... lately with the stunning Cherry Blossoms to gaze at around the Cascade district. I love how green its been here lately. It reminds me of how much I fucking love this city. Food, goth clubs, AND greenery. Win? Hells yes.

Anyways... Eric is someone special to me, and we've known each other for a damned long time... (2001, when I was sixteen??) Jesus fuck. Yeah.. its been a while. We were more like BF/GF back in old Spokane, but experienced harder times when I started openly expressing my poly side... and connected (and ever-increasing) kinky sides. (aren't these always connected?? :P)

When I first knew I needed multiple partners in my life I had a really shitty way of showing it. I called myself a swinger!!! Thought they were tantamount. (OUCH!) Yeah... negative pts for Julie. Took me a while to find what the fuck I needed... I was desperately seeking any sort of following while living back there in "no-kink-ville".. if I ever even did. Thank christ I moved to a larger more liberal area!! <3 See, back then I knew I had a poly ideal, but... like most vanillas, I didn't know there was a legitimate way to be poly with someone/s without stabbing others in the heart in the process. (Eric being a prime example) I guess Ive since wised up, and began acknowledging and expressing my feelings to partners in a more practical sense before anything serious arises. (i.e... poly doesn't involve being secret about some partners to other partners) Like duh right? Well, I was fucking 20 years old, okay? .. fuck you. :P We live, we learn the hard way, we move to Seattle. Since, Eric and I have been able to patch most rough spots up between us, but I think we both continue to struggle to understand each others position on life and love and such. (monogamy vs polyamory debates take up a fair share of our conversations over dark irish beer) :) Hey, at least there's a good way to argue!!



I guess he was the first official heart I ever broke.... but.. we are still pretty damn good friendlies.. so all is not at end :) I was never THAT fucking black and white. <3

BONUS POINTS: My heart has been broken multiple god damned times, so score on the ol' "Julies self-esteem/karma-o-meter!!!" BAM!BAMM! *sigh*

More soon... I hope... lol. I love you all.